Only For A Morning

A Letter to Nathan

2012-02-03T12:49:00.002-05:00

Dearest Darling Nathan,

I went down to visit your mama, dad and brother, and felt closer to you than I have since you left us. Your mama broke her foot in Oct and it didn't heal right so she had to have surgery. I was so very happy to see her but very sad about her foot. Your Grandma Joan has been able to stay with her and take care of her, and she's done such a good job. She works so hard. As you know, your Papa Conner is gone now too, and Grandma misses him and is sad. She likes to be at your mama's house. Everything is sad about Grandpa having to leave and mama hurting her foot, but I had a very good visit with mama, Nick and Grandma.

Grandma sleeps in what used to be the spare bedroom. While I was there I slept in your room. It's been very hard for me to enter your room even, so it was very different for me to entertain the thought of sleeping in the very room, on the very bed, upon which you slept. I almost felt as though I sullied it somehow, and yet I know you would have been glad for me to share your room. I walked around the room, looked at your books, and computer and so very many other things that were yours. I saw the hamper you had in your dorm room. It still stands in the corner with the same clothes in it, as it had, when your mama and daddy brought it home from Wright State. It was just all very breath taking, almost sacred. I felt as though I should have been able to reach out and touch you. But then, it was very calm. I pulled the covers in around me and drifted off to sleep with you on my mind. I slept a blessed sleep. I think you must have been watching over me; you and Jesus. I love you Nathan and I miss you more than ever.

Love and hugs,

Grama

Happy New Year Darling Boy

2011-12-31T18:50:00.003-05:00

Some how I don't think time is relative where you are. :-) It's not totally different from our time here. The goats get milked once a day, they don't know New Year from any other day. And it's for that reason that Papaw Phil and I will be home this eve and in bed before midnight. We do chores of a morning and they need done regardless of dates. Nathan, you would have so much fun making fun of Grama and the animals. I miss your ornery taunting. Remember "Am I aggravating you yet?" and "Give me the can." No one teases me anymore, not the way you did my darling, with love and kindness, never risking a hurt feeling. What was it you said at the local grocery about my T-shirt being up on one side and down on the other? :-D Something about all old ladies do that? hehehe I remember when you were just a little fella and I had you a lot of the time when your Mommy was working. Over on Valley Dr., you used to sit under the computer desk when I was online (AOL), it was all DOS operating back then. You sat there because I kept the house cool, and the register was at the foot of the computer stand and it felt warm to you from there. I kept telling you to put a sweat shirt on, but you wouldn't.* THAT was where I first began to learn about digital imaging. You would sit there and tell me step by step what to do to make an image do what it needed to do, ie: buttons. :-) I just can't believe all those memories. I love you Nathan, always have, always will. I look forward to meeting you again.

*If I had it to do all over again, I'd have turned the thermostat up to 100!

I guess I better go, for now.

Merry Christmas 2011

2011-12-12T16:17:00.004-05:00

Dearest Nathan,

One more year goes by without you, another birthday another Christmas. We miss you so much, the family and me. I've talked to your mama a lot recently and she hurts, she hurts a lot. Just intercede in prayer for her comfort and healing. It hurts so much to see her suffer so. I'm not quite sure how heaven works and how the saints contacting those of us left behind works, but if you saints are permitted to send a kiss or make an audible sound, do so with your mama. She would love it if she could just feel your presence. Love and Hugs, Grama

Just life

2011-05-29T17:49:00.002-04:00

My beloved Nathan,

Things aren't like they should be. I should quit hurting shouldn't I? I should quit loving to hear the music you loved, shouldn't I? But I don't, I don't quit hurting. When I try to comfort people, I always relate to my loss about you. I'm hushed sometimes, because I go on so. Not by the grieving, but by others who think I'm inappropriate. It's so strange that there are those who think me out of line. You always wished I would be MORE out of line. :-) So Nathan my love, my wish is to meet again with you, but not before your mama does, because that would grieve her so. And hey! By the way, I am far less irritated at loud music, because you shared your perspective, and I'm well enough to understand.

It's graduation time of year. A very painful time of year. Last year I was so damn bitter. You should have been graduating. I want to be with you my beloved grandson. I miss you so much.

Love, Grama

Thanksgiving

2010-11-27T19:06:00.002-05:00

Hello my precious. Phil and I had Thanksgiving dinner with your mama, Nick and dad. Dawn and family came later. Of course the conversation turned to you, and I know these holidays will never ever pass without you being uppermost on our minds.

Your mama did so well. If I weren't her mama (your grama) I'd have thought everything was so normal. But I know, and I feel. But I am blessed your mama goes on for brother. Nathan, Nick is so sweet. You'd be so proud of him. He is really very much like you. He's so much fun, and sweet and gentle, just like you always were.

I think I've come to grips with the fact that things will never be the same. I think I expected things to "get back to normal" whatever that is.

Nathan, I have a favor to ask. Remember Ernie? I have pics of you holding him. He's been ill lately. If something would happen, just take care of my little boy won't you? Shania will love him and be gentle with him I know. You just need to shepherd the two of them. :-)

Love and hugs,
Grama

Hello my beloved,

2010-09-18T19:11:00.003-04:00

It's coming up on the fall season again. Of course with fall comes one of your favorite celebrations, Halloween. You were always such a prankster. muahahaha. Remember when you scared the little kids, Nick and Caden, with the Freddie mask? You were so bad. I think of you and smile, and savor the thoughts. And it's a little easier to do as I sit and smell the apples that have fallen off the trees. It smells vaguely like apple cider. hmmmmmmm. We have a cat now. His name is Barney. He takes his toys, (yes we actually buy the cat toys) into his bed. Yes he has a bed in the barn. He's quite a pampered little boy. Anyway, while making sure everything was fit for King Barnie, I discovered an apple, all brown, shriveled and dried up, in his bed! Good grief, he loves it! Well buddy, That's it for now. I love you as always, and I look forward to our reunion. Love and Hugs.

Hello Buddy

2010-09-02T14:37:00.002-04:00

I just have to tell you buddy, grama's gone wireless. :-) I think I will truly love it and now some of those funny things you used to do (particularly using the laptop mouse) is more familiar to me. It's been a struggle to learn, I've gone kicking and screaming. Phil, bought it for me, and I wouldn't even use it at first. But of course little by little, I got curious. I really do like it now, but I sure wish you were here to poke fun at me! :-) I miss you buddy, as much as always. Love you, Grama

My precious Angel

2010-07-31T20:33:00.002-04:00

It's been so long since I last posted, but Nathan is on my mind every day and every night.

I've recently had computer woes. My eyes are burning from tears. I didn't know how to fix any of it, and I realized if my beloved were here he could fix it. My angst and heartache are always way more than I think I can endure. Will it ever end?

Nathan love, it's not just computer issues. Life is difficult, not for the timid for sure, my lamb. I wish I were with you. I know life is much easier there. I love my dear grandson.

Missing you

2010-02-17T09:59:00.004-05:00

Today is a really bad day for missing you my beloved. I recognize and admit that I feel anger at your having to go. I want you here. I can not see the right in this. We were such a broken family before losing you, and now there are days that I feel as though I'm losing my mind. We were not, and are not capable of dealing with this, it doesn't seem to me. But God saw it differently.

I miss your mama. She will never, ever, ever be the same. She's broken; and she's gone from us. I wonder if I will ever see her smile again and her heart really be in it. My grief is almost more than I can handle today. I love you and I always will. I am so desperately lonely for you.

I know it doesn't do any good to linger on it, so I'll move on, I always do. But not a day passes that you aren't on my mind. It seems impossible that I am still so raw after nearly two years. I hate the prospect of hurting like this for the rest of my life.

I love you Buddy.

Hello Nathan

2010-01-18T11:29:00.003-05:00

I was sitting here just now, thinking how nice it would have been, had you spoken softly to me the other day, to direct me through a difficult task I recently had. Immediately, of course, the light came on, and I realized, that if our beloveds on the other side could speak to us, with answers to every question we have, we would most likely lose our faith in God as there would be no need to call on Him. We would always call on you.

I am totally beginning to understand why the only communication we here on earth, can have with the heavenly saints, is in worship of His Holiness. You are perfected, we are not. We only know our earthly desires. Mine would be for you to help me as you always did. But I know the fleshly me and ... well you know Buddy.

I have been missing you terribly much lately. I love you more than ever.

New Year

2009-12-31T13:27:00.002-05:00

I cannot bring myself to say Happy New Year, as ours is not so much anymore without you my beloved grandson. I do know that yours will be happier than ours. That is the ONLY consolation to it. Love and Hugs, Grama

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T12:03:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas my beloved boy! You are having a more true Christmas than any of us can imagine. And the Angels sang, 'Glory to God in the highest, peace on Earth, Goodwill toward men".

We miss you sorely. If you were here you would call and tell me about your new electronics and then rush off to "play" with them. I love you so much Nathan.

Love and Hugs,
Grama

All moved

2009-12-12T16:14:00.003-05:00

Well buddy, we got moved, but it hasn't been without some vexation over the phone and internet service. It's a DSL connection through Verizon and you warned me not to get a DSL service. That warning, so etched into my memory, came to the forefront as we've struggled with all this. My connection is so darn slow, but then you warned me about that too. You said I wouldn't like it. One thing I am really glad about is that it wasn't my choice. :-) It was all that was available out here. I'd really be kicking myself if I'd had a choice and chose this.

You wouldn't like our new place too much. You're too much a city boy and this is farm-like out here. Even has a few animals, besides dogs. But it's good for us; and healing, very healing.

I sure wish I could hear you sing with us other saints. What beautiful harmony it must be. I love you grandson, forever and ever.

Hurting Heart

2009-12-04T10:57:00.002-05:00

My precious boy. Another young man named Kyle took his own life the other day and as I read some of the post in his guest book, it could have been yours. He was loved and his family and friends are devastated. I wish we could eradicate suicide. It's a torture no family should ever have to suffer. You've been so heavily on my mind since I heard about this boy. I suppose that will always be the case.

I thank God for my memories of you. I love you and look forward to seeing you when God sees fit to take me home.

Missing you today Buddy

2009-10-21T14:27:00.002-04:00

I miss you more than anybody oughta.

Moving Jitters

2009-10-20T13:10:00.002-04:00

Dearest Nathan,

I am so jittery about so many aspects of our upcoming move, not the least of which is all the disconnecting and hooking up of electronics. I don't know what I am going to do about the phone. I had no clue when we got the VoIP before. You did that by remote from your computer!

Thinking of you today sweet boy.

2009-10-18T11:08:00.011-04:00

My dear boy, as fall approaches, and Halloween fun is around the corner, memories of you flood my heart and mind. You loved Halloween and all the silly and "spooky" stuff. Remember how Cayden hated those Freddy and Michael Myers masks you had? I talked to Nick the other day and he wants to dress up as Freddy for his school H'ween party. He's looking for a new mask. I asked him why he didn't use yours and he told me he couldn't do that because that is your mask! Silly me! I was thinking that you would be proud to have trained "the hemorrhoid" so well.

Nathan I wish you were here. Life at times is unbearable and I need a Nathan fix. But you're gone, and I feel so lonely sometimes. I love you Buddy, I just wish I could have conveyed that to you while you were with us.

And another thing...

2009-06-28T20:29:00.004-04:00

...people will get tired of listening to you. Learn to bear your grief alone.

One time, about six/nine months ago, I called Lisa and asked her how she was doing. In an overly cheerful voice she said "I'm fine Mom." I knew she wasn't and said to her, "are you really?" to which she said "no, but everyone expects me to be." I told her I didn't, but I knew I didn't understand her pain. All she wanted was for someone to understand that the hurt she felt from her loss was beyond all comprehension. They didn't need to understand her pain, just that it was more than most people ever feel. Now I don't begin to understand. I only understand the unbearable pain I feel. I still get so damn pissed. It's not right, it's not fair. And if one more person asks me if I think a grief counselor will help, I am going to pound the living daylights out of them.

I'm not sure (once again) what the point of this post is. I just know I hurt so damn bad that life is almost unbearable at times.

Sometimes

2009-06-28T18:30:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I think I must really be naive. I thought each life, each individual, was equal. At least that's the premise of the constitution. You know, "all men are created equal". Originally the the quotation was taken from "a rebuttal to the going political theory of the day: the Divine Right of Kings. Jefferson borrowed the expression from an Italian friend and neighbor, Philip Mazzei,[1] as noted by Joint Resolution 175 of the 103rd Congress as well as John F. Kennedy in "A Nation Of Immigrants." Info from Wikipedia.

I guess it's just a really difficult time for me right now with all these deaths. It just brings my boys absence to the forefront. I hate life without him.

I need to stop.

God will heal the hurt.

I miss him

2009-06-06T17:18:00.003-04:00

I don't have anything new to say at all. I just miss you my darling Nathan so darn much. The last couple days have been horrible. I am not sure what set this off. I had this strange experience the other day. I was playing a little game on the computer. One I don't think you would ever have played, but who really knows. :-) All at once I sensed you were with me letting me know you'd just bought a scarecrow. You weren't a ghost or a vision or anything supernatural. I can't quite explain it. I've never heard anyone relate any experience quite like it. And I could smell your scent. Oh your sweet scent.

I love you Nathan and it doesn't matter to me that people think I need to get over you. I will never "be over" losing you, my first grandchild. I will always have moments that I hurt so badly that I feel as though I can't go on. Sometimes those moments will be just a moment. Other times they may last for days.

I could go on forever, but, I know I need not. I love you my beloved Nathan. I can't wait until we meet again. Gram and I plan on having a race to see who can get to you first once we arrive. So far I have the advantage, 'cause Gram hurt her foot and can't move too fast.

I am saddened

2009-03-28T18:34:00.002-04:00

This is the only place I can post and be honest.

We, Nathans family and I will NEVER EVER get over it. There are people who believe after a year we should be moving on. Well it isn't so.

I am rambling at this point. If it weren't for my doctor, Todd Hougland, MD, I suppose I would be in a mental facility, thank God and His mercy, Dr. Hougland doesn't endorse drugs. He's assured me that it is o.k. to talk about Nathan. :-)

I've not gotten a whole lot of support from more than my family, because they understand on a personal level, how bad it hurts. No one else wants to be bothered. I just re-read this paragraph and it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either. :-)

I am hurt by the church. They've not been the support system I expected them to be. Wonder if that's because I wasn't baptised at birth? But the church is NOT God. God is God! Praise His holy name. We just only have to trust in God for the hurts to be manageable.

It's been nearly a year

2009-03-04T13:01:00.002-05:00

It's been nearly a year since my dear boy has been gone. At the moment I am speechless, but hope words come to me later.

I want to invite you all to sign his guestbook at Legacy.com. It will only be up until March 23, 2009

Memorial Guestbook

Love and Hugs,
Lin

My Sweet Nathan

2009-02-25T16:31:00.002-05:00

I miss you so much I can hardly think. Your mama is looking after me though, so all those things you used to ask me, your mama does now. :-) I've tried to reassure her, but I'm not sure I've done so. I don't know how Heaven works. I know you haven't become an Angel. You are now a Saint, and if you are able to reassure your mama on my behalf; will you please? I don't want her to suffer some of the anguish you did my beloved grandson. I was never sure I had reassured you, I can only hope I did in some small way.

You've been gone nearly a year now. I love you so much. My love for you only continues to grow. I'll be down at your mama's on the 20th of March and will stay a couple nights. I look forward to and yet dread the the grief I know it will be. But it will be whether I'm here or with your mama, and I prefer to be with her.

Dearest loves

2009-02-09T12:23:00.002-05:00

To all of my friends:

The pain is still there and deep. I suppose it always will be. But dearly beloveds, I am OK. I truly am. I don't cry as much now, but I wish I could sometimes. :-) This is a particularly difficult time so all the hurt is rushing to the forefront. The next month or two are going to be tough.

There's no point to this post other than to reassure you all that indeed I am well. From what I understand, my grief is about as it should be at this point in time. I love you all and thank each of you for your prayers and pray you continue.

Love and Hugs,
Lin

Giving and Receiving Consolation

2009-02-09T12:12:00.001-05:00

written by Henri Nouwen

Consolation is a beautiful word. It means "to be"
(con-) "with the lonely one" (solus). To offer
consolation is one of the most important ways to care. Life
is so full of pain, sadness, and loneliness that we often
wonder what we can do to alleviate the immense suffering we
see. We can and must offer consolation. We can and must
console the mother who lost her child, the young person with
AIDS, the family whose house burned down, the soldier who
was wounded, the teenager who contemplates suicide, the old
man who wonders why he should stay alive.

To console does not mean to take away the pain but rather to
be there and say, "You are not alone, I am with you.
Together we can carry the burden. Don't be afraid. I am
here." That is consolation. We all need to give it as well
as to receive it.

Visit HenriNouwen.org for more inspiration!
http://www.henrinouwen.org/

My Sweet Lamb

2009-02-04T11:48:00.003-05:00

The screen saver on my computer is a slide show of Nathan, one of my favorite things upon which to gaze.

The picture showing just as I walked back to the computer was a photo of Nathan with a group of other young people at a religious outing. This particular group of people didn't treat Nathan very well in regards to some of his problems. They were cold and cruel, and the hurt is reflected in his face. It's particularly hurtful because Nathan was such a gentle and sweet man.

I remember one time when he was mowing the lawn for his dad and he ran over a baby bunny. He wept and wept. I didn't think he would ever get over it. It was awful.

He always befriended the underdogs at school, because he couldn't tolerate others being mistreated.

I think when these gentle lambs are hurt, as Nathan was by this group, it goes deep, very deep. I know this incident affected him deeply.

There is no point to this post really. It's just another aspect of missing Nathan that I just had to get off my chest.

So sad

2009-01-27T09:30:00.002-05:00

It just feels like things will never be right again.

The struggles and awful pain continue and the far reaching affects are numbing.

Oh Nathan, I wish you hadn't done this.

Not only have I lost my beloved first born grandson, but I've lost a daughter and the pain is almost unbearable. She's just almost unreachable at times. I grieve that. I miss her. I don't expect her to be the same, or to even be healed. She'll never be completely healed. But I feel as grievous about her nearly as much as I do about Nathan.

I pray for Lisa's heart to have some peace, and for her precious weary mind to get some comfort. My first born, beloved baby girl, I love you honey.

My dear boy

2009-01-24T11:33:00.002-05:00

I haven't forgotten you dear grandson. I haven't been able to write. Holidays were terrible for me and your mom, dad and Nick. We are coming up on the one year anniversary of your leaving and it's nearly as painful as it was a year ago.

Today

2008-12-20T12:53:00.000-05:00

This would have been Nathan's 21st birthday.

Nathan spoke to me

2008-12-16T19:31:00.005-05:00

This is a tough time in my life, in a number of ways, not the least of which is missing my boy.

We are possibly facing changes in our life that are very stressful. Nathan's seen me stressed at times beyond all reason. Sometimes he wasn't able to calm me, but other times? He was my sanity.

Phil and I were having a heated discussion this evening. I, as is not uncommon, stomped down the hall to my computer for comfort. I was feeling insecure and disgruntled.

All at once I heard Nathan say, "Now Gramaaaaa" drawing out the last syllable of Grama. That is what he always said when he felt I was unreasonable about something. :-)

I just wonder if he had any concept of what an impact he had. Nathan, I hope you are my guardian angel. :-) You surely will keep me from making bad decisions.

I love you so much buddy, and oh dear God I miss you.

Thinking of you Nathan

2008-11-26T12:36:00.002-05:00

Dear Nathan, It's only Wednesday, but I am cooking turkey. It's a very quiet and somber holiday kick-off without you buddy. I'm usually talking back and forth to your mama, but not this year. I haven't been able to talk to her much lately... I suspect she's not doing well at all, I would expect that any way.

Phil and I were in Target the other day, just wandering around. We looked at dog clothes and treats some household items, women's clothes and finally men's clothes. I saw the kind of shorts you liked and lots of the jammer bottoms. Actually I saw a number of things I know you liked. I wish I could have bought them for you. Love, Grama

I am missing Nathan

2008-11-24T09:58:00.002-05:00

It's the holiday season and I am missing Nathan terribly. I just don't know what else to say. I miss my boy.

Everytime I see that ad on TV for Dell Computers where a lady sings in a whispery voice "I am green today" it brings Nathan to mind. While he may not have been big on Dell Computers, (he was sold on Mac's) he'd have loved the green. Green was, after all, his favorite color.

In Memory of Jesus and the Saints

2008-11-12T09:07:00.002-05:00

Daily Meditation for November 12, 2008
written by Henri Nouwen

In Memory of Jesus and the Saints

Belonging to the communion of saints means being connected
with all people transformed by the Spirit of Jesus. This
connection is deep and intimate. Those who have lived as
brothers and sisters of Jesus continue to live within us,
even though they have died, just as Jesus continues to live
within us, even though he has died.

We live our lives in memory of Jesus and the saints, and
this memory is a real presence. Jesus and his saints are
part of our most intimate and spiritual knowledge of God.
They inspire us, guide us, encourage us, and give us hope.
They are the source of our constant transformation. Yes, we
carry them in our bodies and thus keep them alive for all
with whom we live and work.

Footnote: I am just very recently coming into a better understanding of the communion of saints and it is such a comfort to ponder on Nathan's continuing "to live within us". It makes me feel much more "normal" for lack of a better word to realize that it is natural to "carry [him] in our bodies and thus keep[ing] [him] alive for all with whom we live"... I'm not sure, but I think it's helping me realize that I haven't had that desire for Jesus, not that deep burning, want Him with me all the time, feeling. Thank you Nathan for giving me direction, and thank you Jesus for speaking through this awfulness as I stumble along trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. I love you both so much.

From Uncle Tommy

2008-11-11T18:36:00.003-05:00

Nathan's Uncle Tom, Nathan's mama's brother, left this as a comment to another post. I feel it more appropriately belongs on the front page. Thank you my beloved son Tom for sharing your heart.

In Loving Memory

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And I'll come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad He set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

November 10, 2008 9:16 PM

Seven months today

2008-10-21T09:04:00.005-04:00

It's been seven months today since Nathan left us. I have a very hard time using the word died when talking about Nathan. It sounds so final. I know Lisa will be in pain today. I feel so helpless. I wish I could send some cheerful or inspirational email that would make it all better, or at least less painful.

My computer could use a tune up I think, things that I haven't the vaguest idea how to do, such as cleaning up the registry. I've never ever tampered with anything in the registry. Nathan did, he was so confident, it didn't scare him at all. Some days I have the thought, after some minor accomplishment, that Nathan would be so proud of me. Oh how I long to hear him say those words again. It was so neat to hear such a young person say they were proud of someone my age, and so sweet for him to be so thoughtful.

I so regret that we seemed to be mildly estranged before he left. I should have put forth a little more effort than I did to stay in contact. He asked me to. He always reminded me that I could send email to him if I wanted. I don't know why I didn't, I can remember feeling that I didn't know what type of emails he liked. Jokes? Technical article? In retrospect I realize it didn't even matter. Oh God I hope he knew I loved him. I miss you so much Nate.

Rambling

2008-10-16T12:19:00.002-04:00

I fear this may be a lot of rambling. I am terribly unsettled today for a lot of reasons, and when I'm unsettled about other things, I miss Nathan more. I wonder if that is normal.

I bought a GPS about 3 weeks ago, used it once and it quit working. I instantly thought of Nathan. The GPS is after all electronic. I took it back and exchanged it for another.

I worry about Lisa. I try not to Lisa, but you are my child. I don't know why I worry, because there is no aspect of the things I worry about that I can change. I feel rebellious and angry. Just why did Nathan have to die? I can't hardly bear the agony you suffer. I love you so much, and I miss him.

I was critically ill approxiamately 8 years ago. At the time I was admittecd to the hospital I was having no pain at all, just sorta lapsing in and out of consciousness. I could have slipped into unconsciousness and then death and never have known a thing about it, never suffered. And by now the worst of everyone else's suffering would be over too. I know this "trading" one life for another isn't how things are done. I'm not even sure that my eternal home at that time would have been heaven, so maybe that's why my life was spared. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just know it hurts a lot.

I think I should be over hurting, but it has been only seven months. The intense seemingly unbearable grief is still natural at this time. You can't hurry grieving, I've read. But it's a tiresome and wearying journey.

2008-10-10T10:49:00.003-04:00

October 10, 2008

First I need to say I cannot take credit for anything regarding this gorgeous blog. My mom graciously allowed me to take part in this blog for Nathan. I never thought I would ever post anything as I am totally clueless in anything website, computer or electronic related. It was even easier for me than most to be totally lazy when it came to learning anything about the above as Nathan lived with me!!! In fact, Mike and I used to joke that we would be 60 years old and buying a new TV that Nathan would have to come over and set up for us.

I don't know what came over me that I decided to give it a try. I even had to download updates for Java to be able to post to this, and anyone who knows me knows this is a huge step.

I look at this blog several times a day. I think my mom thought I wouldn't like it or that it would be to painful for me. That is absolutely not the case. I tell people often, there is not even an hour that goes by that I don't think about Nathan. Nobody is ever going to upset me by talking or sharing about him to me. I miss him very much and there are days that I think I can't do this, I don't want to do this. I do not want to live another second without my son. But I have to. I know everyone thinks it's as easy as the fact that I have another son to live for. And in some ways that is true. I love Nick very much and he needs me badly now. But, when your children are alive you never think about loving one more than the other. For me now it is always in my mind that if I live I have Nick, if I die I have Nathan. And please nobody get me wrong I don't want to die. I am not suicidal, these are just some of things I think about now.

Well, I think my very first posting went ok. I hope nothing I said offends anyone.

Nathan's Mama

Halloween

2008-10-07T12:44:00.018-04:00

Next to fireworks, I think Nathan thought Halloween was more fun than any other thing. He used to love to go to the party, turned Halloween stores every year and add something silly, scary or mysterious to his big Halloween display. He had big figurines and pretend smoke and all sorts of scary noises to spook the little ones. It was really most elaborate. But best of all I think he liked his big rubber head mask of Freddy Kruger or Michael Myers or some one of those characters. He could really get the kids going with that one.

A couple years ago when I went to visit Lisa and family, it happened to be in the early Fall of the year and they made one of their many trips to the copious Halloween stores in their area. I had never been in one, I didn't even know such a thing existed, so I joined them and it was really quite amazing.

This year, I decided to visit one of the stores up this way in memory of my buddy. There were all kinds of things he would have liked. Things that made noise and others that blew smoke. I spent a bit of time looking through all the offerings and after deciding there just wasn't anything I couldn't do without I walked around the perimeter of the store and out along the front windows. Stocked there were helium kits for blowing up balloons. Some of you know why that's significant, but out of respect for my daughter I don't care to go into it any deeper.

Initially I froze and then I was sickened and left the store immediately. Will these things always affect me this way? My stomach is still a little queasy today, and I miss him more than ever. I love you Nathan Daniel Conner. I just wish I could have fixed your hurts.

Challenge

2008-10-04T10:07:00.004-04:00

My memory has gotten really bad since Nathan's leaving us and I have blamed it on stress, and I'm sure that is part of it. But I was re-reading the shopping post and the word challenged jumped out at me. I'm not challenged now, Nathan's not around to keep me alert and on my toes.

Nathan used to call me about computer "stuff" he had just learned. He told me he called me to talk because I was the only one who understood what he was talking about. At the time, he knew so much more than I ever aspired to, but I said a lot of , "uh huh, well no, I don't understand exactly, but I understand the principle". He challenged me!

Nathan I miss you so much, and this is one of those days that is just nearly unbearable to me. I love you buddy.

Nathan remembered

2008-10-03T12:00:00.004-04:00

A sweet friend and co-worker of Lisas and dear friend to Nathan wrote this very beautiful poem.

NATHAN

I thought I felt a raindrop, land upon my cheek,

And then I heard the wind blow, rustling through the trees.

I stopped and listened closer, something wasn't right,

I realized it wasn't wind, or rain upon my face.

I felt your presence close to me, your kiss upon my cheek,

And then I heard you whisper, "I just stopped to say hello,

To tell you that I miss you and I love you so.

Although you cannot see me, I am never far away,

My love is always with you, remember that each day."

Barb, Thank you so much for reminding us that Nathan is as close as a memory; and thank you for loving Lisa. Also, thank you for allowing us to publish this very beautiful poem. We miss him so much.

On the Journey To Becoming Fully Human

2008-10-01T09:18:00.006-04:00

From time to time I read something that totally brings this grief thing back into perspective and that was so today. I would like to share it with you now.
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"I still remember holding the eighteen week old twins in the palm of my hands. As I peered down at their tiny bodies I was in awe of their finger nails, the eye lids and little toes that were all so perfectly formed. With reverence I witnessed the grief stricken young parents mourning their children they would never be able to nurture. Nor can I quite forget my experience in the Emergency Department with the seventeen year-old boy who was found in cardiac arrest in his bed at 7:00 a.m. by his parents shortly before they were to leave for work one morning. The doctors came into our small consultation room to tell us that they were able to bring him back one more time, but not sure how many more times they could do so. He was to have his senior pictures taken later that morning. At another time there was the elderly gentleman who had been raking leaves the day before, then went out into the yard the next morning to see his work, went back into the house to lay down, never to wake again. A bit later his wife called one of his sons and said,"Son, your daddy is dead, his is done dead."

"I have learned that to become fully human is to live with the awareness that we will not live in our human bodies forever. To become fully human is to celebrate the joys of birth and the sorrows of death. To be fully human is to walk on this earth realizing that the greater gift that we do not yet fully comprehend is yet to be known. It is to realize that our humanity is connected to the dust of this earth, where our bodies will one day return. The brokenness, the sorrows and imperfections of this life will one day passaway when we will enter that place where we will behold God face to face." by Randall W. Trego
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The day will come when I meet God and Nathan face to face. Until then...

http://www.my.homewithgod.com/heavenlymidis2/untilthen.html

Shopping

2008-09-30T09:56:00.006-04:00

I went shopping the other day, and walked through a variety of departments just looking around. It never ceases to amaze me how early Christmas merchandising begins. I could hear various ornaments playing bits of Christmas carols as I moseyed through the store. While I hold the early Christmas business in total disdain, I couldn't help but let my mind wander just a little about what I would get the kids this year, if finances permit. THEN, I entered the electronics department. I felt as though I'd been punched in the stomach. It was a feeling not totally unlike the feeling I had "that" day my daughter called giving me the news about Nathan.

Nathan loved everything electronic, big or small, but particularly computers. As Nathan grew up, it became a little more challenging to shop for him. Toys for him became more costly. It was a little frustrating to find something he'd actually like, that was in my budget. Now there won't be any challenges about my buddy's gift. I wish he was here for me to be challenged about. I've always disliked all the hub-bub of Christmas shopping and the crowds, however, this year will be particularly difficult and sad, very sad. I miss him so much.

A conversation with Nathan

2008-09-25T11:58:00.005-04:00

Dear Nathan,

I sure miss you buddy and miss being able to talk to you and ask your advice and even debate with you, knowing that we will never agree on issues. Remember the debate we had about Ellen Degeneres? Turns out you were right! I wish you were here for me to tell you so. She's a pretty incredible entertainer and is an advocate for animals! Of course that wins points with me. And then there was Amy Sedaris, who I've come to really enjoy. I've seen her in lots of other things besides Strangers with Candy, (which by the way, I still don't like :-) ) and she is indeed quite a talented actress. I wish you were here for me to share that with you. And then music, which was always such an important part of your life, why did I have to be so priggish about it? I love music and always have. You liked so many different genres and we could have enjoyed hours of sharing had I not been so stubborn. I wish you were here so I could tell you all this. I'm sorry, so sorry Nathan that I didn't love you as I should have. I thought I did, but I made so many mistakes. Why did it take this to put things in perspective? Oh God forgive me. Well Buddy, I guess I need to go for today. I love you and miss you. My only comfort is that I'll meet with you again someday! To God be the Glory!

It Hurts

2008-09-24T09:33:00.003-04:00

A while back I received an email from my daughter Lisa, Nathan's mama, that said:

"This says it all for me. Love, Lisa" and attached was a pdf that read:

I said, "God, I hurt."

And God said, "I know."

I said, "God, I cry a lot."

And God said, "That's why I gave you tears."

I said, "God, I am so depressed."

And God said, "That's why I gave you sunshine."

I said, "God, life is so hard."

And God said, "That's why I gave you loved ones."

I said, "God, my loved one died."

And God said, "So did mine."

I said, "God, it is such a loss."

And God said, "I saw my son nailed to a cross."

I said, "God, but your loved one lives."

And God said, "So does yours."

I said, "God, where are they now?"

And God said, "Mine is on my right and yours is in the Light."

I said, "God, it hurts."

And God said, "I know."

I don't know who authored this lovely piece, but they surely had some insight into the grief one suffers at the loss of a child.

I'm so sorry my darling Lisa that you hurt as you do. Sometimes I know I get so caught up in me and forget the agony that you are suffering. And I know I can't begin to imagine your pain. I only know the pain I feel as your mama, at the hurt you suffer and feel so helpless. I can't fix it for you. I love you darling Lisa.

Introduction

2008-09-23T12:08:00.005-04:00

Naturally the reason I am starting this blog is to try to muddle through the loss of my beloved grandson Nathan Daniel Conner. But why call it Only for a Morning? Let me share with you.

As I was walking my fur babies the other morning, I stood in awe of the beautiful orange and red variegated Morning Glories. I was astounded at their presence as I hadn't planted them and yet they appeared as though to usher in the morning in all their magnificence as their tiny trumpet shaped blossoms reminded me that "This is the day which the LORD has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Ps. 118:24

As I stood and admired their beauty, the thought crossed my mind that it's such a shame that such a lovely, delicate bloom only lasted for such a short time, as so many days I'm not up early enough to revel in their beauty. They come out only for the morning. I realized at that moment, that was how Nathans life seemed to be; only for the morning. He would never see the evening. Why must so many beautiful things be so short lived? Nathan was a beautiful boy, young man, and his life was cut so short. He had so much to give, and to learn and experience. Why our boy?

I miss him terribly and can hardly post for the trembly hands and watery eyes. God I know you are taking better care of him than we ever could have, but we sure do miss him. If only we could have him back.

I also learned that morning; that my grief isn't a one time thing that I'll get over after awhile. It's a journey, a long sometimes arduous journey. My life has changed forever, and I need to learn to adjust, and that is what this blog is about.

Blessings,
Lin aka Grama