I love and miss you desperately Nate.  I just don't know what else to say.  Love and hugs, Grama

The pain of your absence is more than I can tolerate sometimes.  I love you buddy.

A Letter to Nathan

Dearest Darling Nathan,

I went down to visit your mama, dad and brother, and felt closer to you than I have since you left us. Your mama broke her foot in Oct and it didn't heal right so she had to have surgery. I was so very happy to see her but very sad about her foot. Your Grandma Joan has been able to stay with her and take care of her, and she's done such a good job. She works so hard. As you know, your Papa Conner is gone now too, and Grandma misses him and is sad. She likes to be at your mama's house. Everything is sad about Grandpa having to leave and mama hurting her foot, but I had a very good visit with mama, Nick and Grandma.

Grandma sleeps in what used to be the spare bedroom. While I was there I slept in your room. It's been very hard for me to enter your room even, so it was very different for me to entertain the thought of sleeping in the very room, on the very bed, upon which you slept. I almost felt as though I sullied it somehow, and yet I know you would have been glad for me to share your room. I walked around the room, looked at your books, and computer and so very many other things that were yours. I saw the hamper you had in your dorm room. It still stands in the corner with the same clothes in it, as it had, when your mama and daddy brought it home from Wright State. It was just all very breath taking, almost sacred. I felt as though I should have been able to reach out and touch you. But then, it was very calm. I pulled the covers in around me and drifted off to sleep with you on my mind. I slept a blessed sleep. I think you must have been watching over me; you and Jesus. I love you Nathan and I miss you more than ever.

Love and hugs,

Grama

Happy New Year Darling Boy

Some how I don't think time is relative where you are. :-) It's not totally different from our time here. The goats get milked once a day, they don't know New Year from any other day. And it's for that reason that Papaw Phil and I will be home this eve and in bed before midnight. We do chores of a morning and they need done regardless of dates. Nathan, you would have so much fun making fun of Grama and the animals. I miss your ornery taunting. Remember "Am I aggravating you yet?" and "Give me the can." No one teases me anymore, not the way you did my darling, with love and kindness, never risking a hurt feeling. What was it you said at the local grocery about my T-shirt being up on one side and down on the other? :-D Something about all old ladies do that? hehehe I remember when you were just a little fella and I had you a lot of the time when your Mommy was working. Over on Valley Dr., you used to sit under the computer desk when I was online (AOL), it was all DOS operating back then. You sat there because I kept the house cool, and the register was at the foot of the computer stand and it felt warm to you from there. I kept telling you to put a sweat shirt on, but you wouldn't.* THAT was where I first began to learn about digital imaging. You would sit there and tell me step by step what to do to make an image do what it needed to do, ie: buttons. :-) I just can't believe all those memories. I love you Nathan, always have, always will. I look forward to meeting you again.

*If I had it to do all over again, I'd have turned the thermostat up to 100!

I guess I better go, for now.

Merry Christmas 2011

Dearest Nathan,

One more year goes by without you, another birthday another Christmas. We miss you so much, the family and me. I've talked to your mama a lot recently and she hurts, she hurts a lot. Just intercede in prayer for her comfort and healing. It hurts so much to see her suffer so. I'm not quite sure how heaven works and how the saints contacting those of us left behind works, but if you saints are permitted to send a kiss or make an audible sound, do so with your mama. She would love it if she could just feel your presence. Love and Hugs, Grama

Just life

My beloved Nathan,

Things aren't like they should be. I should quit hurting shouldn't I? I should quit loving to hear the music you loved, shouldn't I? But I don't, I don't quit hurting. When I try to comfort people, I always relate to my loss about you. I'm hushed sometimes, because I go on so. Not by the grieving, but by others who think I'm inappropriate. It's so strange that there are those who think me out of line. You always wished I would be MORE out of line. :-) So Nathan my love, my wish is to meet again with you, but not before your mama does, because that would grieve her so. And hey! By the way, I am far less irritated at loud music, because you shared your perspective, and I'm well enough to understand.

It's graduation time of year. A very painful time of year. Last year I was so damn bitter. You should have been graduating. I want to be with you my beloved grandson. I miss you so much.

Love, Grama

Thanksgiving

Hello my precious. Phil and I had Thanksgiving dinner with your mama, Nick and dad. Dawn and family came later. Of course the conversation turned to you, and I know these holidays will never ever pass without you being uppermost on our minds.

Your mama did so well. If I weren't her mama (your grama) I'd have thought everything was so normal. But I know, and I feel. But I am blessed your mama goes on for brother. Nathan, Nick is so sweet. You'd be so proud of him. He is really very much like you. He's so much fun, and sweet and gentle, just like you always were.

I think I've come to grips with the fact that things will never be the same. I think I expected things to "get back to normal" whatever that is.

Nathan, I have a favor to ask. Remember Ernie? I have pics of you holding him. He's been ill lately. If something would happen, just take care of my little boy won't you? Shania will love him and be gentle with him I know. You just need to shepherd the two of them. :-)

Love and hugs,
Grama