I love and miss you desperately Nate.  I just don't know what else to say.  Love and hugs, Grama

The pain of your absence is more than I can tolerate sometimes.  I love you buddy.

A Letter to Nathan

Dearest Darling Nathan,

I went down to visit your mama, dad and brother, and felt closer to you than I have since you left us. Your mama broke her foot in Oct and it didn't heal right so she had to have surgery. I was so very happy to see her but very sad about her foot. Your Grandma Joan has been able to stay with her and take care of her, and she's done such a good job. She works so hard. As you know, your Papa Conner is gone now too, and Grandma misses him and is sad. She likes to be at your mama's house. Everything is sad about Grandpa having to leave and mama hurting her foot, but I had a very good visit with mama, Nick and Grandma.

Grandma sleeps in what used to be the spare bedroom. While I was there I slept in your room. It's been very hard for me to enter your room even, so it was very different for me to entertain the thought of sleeping in the very room, on the very bed, upon which you slept. I almost felt as though I sullied it somehow, and yet I know you would have been glad for me to share your room. I walked around the room, looked at your books, and computer and so very many other things that were yours. I saw the hamper you had in your dorm room. It still stands in the corner with the same clothes in it, as it had, when your mama and daddy brought it home from Wright State. It was just all very breath taking, almost sacred. I felt as though I should have been able to reach out and touch you. But then, it was very calm. I pulled the covers in around me and drifted off to sleep with you on my mind. I slept a blessed sleep. I think you must have been watching over me; you and Jesus. I love you Nathan and I miss you more than ever.

Love and hugs,

Grama

Happy New Year Darling Boy

Some how I don't think time is relative where you are. :-) It's not totally different from our time here. The goats get milked once a day, they don't know New Year from any other day. And it's for that reason that Papaw Phil and I will be home this eve and in bed before midnight. We do chores of a morning and they need done regardless of dates. Nathan, you would have so much fun making fun of Grama and the animals. I miss your ornery taunting. Remember "Am I aggravating you yet?" and "Give me the can." No one teases me anymore, not the way you did my darling, with love and kindness, never risking a hurt feeling. What was it you said at the local grocery about my T-shirt being up on one side and down on the other? :-D Something about all old ladies do that? hehehe I remember when you were just a little fella and I had you a lot of the time when your Mommy was working. Over on Valley Dr., you used to sit under the computer desk when I was online (AOL), it was all DOS operating back then. You sat there because I kept the house cool, and the register was at the foot of the computer stand and it felt warm to you from there. I kept telling you to put a sweat shirt on, but you wouldn't.* THAT was where I first began to learn about digital imaging. You would sit there and tell me step by step what to do to make an image do what it needed to do, ie: buttons. :-) I just can't believe all those memories. I love you Nathan, always have, always will. I look forward to meeting you again.

*If I had it to do all over again, I'd have turned the thermostat up to 100!

I guess I better go, for now.

Merry Christmas 2011

Dearest Nathan,

One more year goes by without you, another birthday another Christmas. We miss you so much, the family and me. I've talked to your mama a lot recently and she hurts, she hurts a lot. Just intercede in prayer for her comfort and healing. It hurts so much to see her suffer so. I'm not quite sure how heaven works and how the saints contacting those of us left behind works, but if you saints are permitted to send a kiss or make an audible sound, do so with your mama. She would love it if she could just feel your presence. Love and Hugs, Grama

Just life

My beloved Nathan,

Things aren't like they should be. I should quit hurting shouldn't I? I should quit loving to hear the music you loved, shouldn't I? But I don't, I don't quit hurting. When I try to comfort people, I always relate to my loss about you. I'm hushed sometimes, because I go on so. Not by the grieving, but by others who think I'm inappropriate. It's so strange that there are those who think me out of line. You always wished I would be MORE out of line. :-) So Nathan my love, my wish is to meet again with you, but not before your mama does, because that would grieve her so. And hey! By the way, I am far less irritated at loud music, because you shared your perspective, and I'm well enough to understand.

It's graduation time of year. A very painful time of year. Last year I was so damn bitter. You should have been graduating. I want to be with you my beloved grandson. I miss you so much.

Love, Grama

Thanksgiving

Hello my precious. Phil and I had Thanksgiving dinner with your mama, Nick and dad. Dawn and family came later. Of course the conversation turned to you, and I know these holidays will never ever pass without you being uppermost on our minds.

Your mama did so well. If I weren't her mama (your grama) I'd have thought everything was so normal. But I know, and I feel. But I am blessed your mama goes on for brother. Nathan, Nick is so sweet. You'd be so proud of him. He is really very much like you. He's so much fun, and sweet and gentle, just like you always were.

I think I've come to grips with the fact that things will never be the same. I think I expected things to "get back to normal" whatever that is.

Nathan, I have a favor to ask. Remember Ernie? I have pics of you holding him. He's been ill lately. If something would happen, just take care of my little boy won't you? Shania will love him and be gentle with him I know. You just need to shepherd the two of them. :-)

Love and hugs,
Grama

Hello my beloved,

It's coming up on the fall season again. Of course with fall comes one of your favorite celebrations, Halloween. You were always such a prankster. muahahaha. Remember when you scared the little kids, Nick and Caden, with the Freddie mask? You were so bad. I think of you and smile, and savor the thoughts. And it's a little easier to do as I sit and smell the apples that have fallen off the trees. It smells vaguely like apple cider. hmmmmmmm. We have a cat now. His name is Barney. He takes his toys, (yes we actually buy the cat toys) into his bed. Yes he has a bed in the barn. He's quite a pampered little boy. Anyway, while making sure everything was fit for King Barnie, I discovered an apple, all brown, shriveled and dried up, in his bed! Good grief, he loves it! Well buddy, That's it for now. I love you as always, and I look forward to our reunion. Love and Hugs.

Hello Buddy

I just have to tell you buddy, grama's gone wireless. :-) I think I will truly love it and now some of those funny things you used to do (particularly using the laptop mouse) is more familiar to me. It's been a struggle to learn, I've gone kicking and screaming. Phil, bought it for me, and I wouldn't even use it at first. But of course little by little, I got curious. I really do like it now, but I sure wish you were here to poke fun at me! :-) I miss you buddy, as much as always. Love you, Grama

My precious Angel

It's been so long since I last posted, but Nathan is on my mind every day and every night.

I've recently had computer woes. My eyes are burning from tears. I didn't know how to fix any of it, and I realized if my beloved were here he could fix it. My angst and heartache are always way more than I think I can endure. Will it ever end?

Nathan love, it's not just computer issues. Life is difficult, not for the timid for sure, my lamb. I wish I were with you. I know life is much easier there. I love my dear grandson.

Missing you

Today is a really bad day for missing you my beloved. I recognize and admit that I feel anger at your having to go. I want you here. I can not see the right in this. We were such a broken family before losing you, and now there are days that I feel as though I'm losing my mind. We were not, and are not capable of dealing with this, it doesn't seem to me. But God saw it differently.

I miss your mama. She will never, ever, ever be the same. She's broken; and she's gone from us. I wonder if I will ever see her smile again and her heart really be in it. My grief is almost more than I can handle today. I love you and I always will. I am so desperately lonely for you.

I know it doesn't do any good to linger on it, so I'll move on, I always do. But not a day passes that you aren't on my mind. It seems impossible that I am still so raw after nearly two years. I hate the prospect of hurting like this for the rest of my life.

I love you Buddy.

Hello Nathan

I was sitting here just now, thinking how nice it would have been, had you spoken softly to me the other day, to direct me through a difficult task I recently had. Immediately, of course, the light came on, and I realized, that if our beloveds on the other side could speak to us, with answers to every question we have, we would most likely lose our faith in God as there would be no need to call on Him. We would always call on you.

I am totally beginning to understand why the only communication we here on earth, can have with the heavenly saints, is in worship of His Holiness. You are perfected, we are not. We only know our earthly desires. Mine would be for you to help me as you always did. But I know the fleshly me and ... well you know Buddy.

I have been missing you terribly much lately. I love you more than ever.

New Year

I cannot bring myself to say Happy New Year, as ours is not so much anymore without you my beloved grandson. I do know that yours will be happier than ours. That is the ONLY consolation to it. Love and Hugs, Grama

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas my beloved boy! You are having a more true Christmas than any of us can imagine. And the Angels sang, 'Glory to God in the highest, peace on Earth, Goodwill toward men".

We miss you sorely. If you were here you would call and tell me about your new electronics and then rush off to "play" with them. I love you so much Nathan.

Love and Hugs,
Grama

All moved

Well buddy, we got moved, but it hasn't been without some vexation over the phone and internet service. It's a DSL connection through Verizon and you warned me not to get a DSL service. That warning, so etched into my memory, came to the forefront as we've struggled with all this. My connection is so darn slow, but then you warned me about that too. You said I wouldn't like it. One thing I am really glad about is that it wasn't my choice. :-) It was all that was available out here. I'd really be kicking myself if I'd had a choice and chose this.

You wouldn't like our new place too much. You're too much a city boy and this is farm-like out here. Even has a few animals, besides dogs. But it's good for us; and healing, very healing.

I sure wish I could hear you sing with us other saints. What beautiful harmony it must be. I love you grandson, forever and ever.

Hurting Heart

My precious boy. Another young man named Kyle took his own life the other day and as I read some of the post in his guest book, it could have been yours. He was loved and his family and friends are devastated. I wish we could eradicate suicide. It's a torture no family should ever have to suffer. You've been so heavily on my mind since I heard about this boy. I suppose that will always be the case.

I thank God for my memories of you. I love you and look forward to seeing you when God sees fit to take me home.

Missing you today Buddy

I miss you more than anybody oughta.

Moving Jitters

Dearest Nathan,

I am so jittery about so many aspects of our upcoming move, not the least of which is all the disconnecting and hooking up of electronics. I don't know what I am going to do about the phone. I had no clue when we got the VoIP before. You did that by remote from your computer!

Thinking of you today sweet boy.

My dear boy, as fall approaches, and Halloween fun is around the corner, memories of you flood my heart and mind. You loved Halloween and all the silly and "spooky" stuff. Remember how Cayden hated those Freddy and Michael Myers masks you had? I talked to Nick the other day and he wants to dress up as Freddy for his school H'ween party. He's looking for a new mask. I asked him why he didn't use yours and he told me he couldn't do that because that is your mask! Silly me! I was thinking that you would be proud to have trained "the hemorrhoid" so well.

Nathan I wish you were here. Life at times is unbearable and I need a Nathan fix. But you're gone, and I feel so lonely sometimes. I love you Buddy, I just wish I could have conveyed that to you while you were with us.

And another thing...

...people will get tired of listening to you. Learn to bear your grief alone.

One time, about six/nine months ago, I called Lisa and asked her how she was doing. In an overly cheerful voice she said "I'm fine Mom." I knew she wasn't and said to her, "are you really?" to which she said "no, but everyone expects me to be." I told her I didn't, but I knew I didn't understand her pain. All she wanted was for someone to understand that the hurt she felt from her loss was beyond all comprehension. They didn't need to understand her pain, just that it was more than most people ever feel. Now I don't begin to understand. I only understand the unbearable pain I feel. I still get so damn pissed. It's not right, it's not fair. And if one more person asks me if I think a grief counselor will help, I am going to pound the living daylights out of them.

I'm not sure (once again) what the point of this post is. I just know I hurt so damn bad that life is almost unbearable at times.