I miss him

I don't have anything new to say at all. I just miss you my darling Nathan so darn much. The last couple days have been horrible. I am not sure what set this off. I had this strange experience the other day. I was playing a little game on the computer. One I don't think you would ever have played, but who really knows. :-) All at once I sensed you were with me letting me know you'd just bought a scarecrow. You weren't a ghost or a vision or anything supernatural. I can't quite explain it. I've never heard anyone relate any experience quite like it. And I could smell your scent. Oh your sweet scent.

I love you Nathan and it doesn't matter to me that people think I need to get over you. I will never "be over" losing you, my first grandchild. I will always have moments that I hurt so badly that I feel as though I can't go on. Sometimes those moments will be just a moment. Other times they may last for days.

I could go on forever, but, I know I need not. I love you my beloved Nathan. I can't wait until we meet again. Gram and I plan on having a race to see who can get to you first once we arrive. So far I have the advantage, 'cause Gram hurt her foot and can't move too fast.

I am saddened

This is the only place I can post and be honest.

We, Nathans family and I will NEVER EVER get over it. There are people who believe after a year we should be moving on. Well it isn't so.

I am rambling at this point. If it weren't for my doctor, Todd Hougland, MD, I suppose I would be in a mental facility, thank God and His mercy, Dr. Hougland doesn't endorse drugs. He's assured me that it is o.k. to talk about Nathan. :-)

I've not gotten a whole lot of support from more than my family, because they understand on a personal level, how bad it hurts. No one else wants to be bothered. I just re-read this paragraph and it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either. :-)

I am hurt by the church. They've not been the support system I expected them to be. Wonder if that's because I wasn't baptised at birth? But the church is NOT God. God is God! Praise His holy name. We just only have to trust in God for the hurts to be manageable.

It's been nearly a year

It's been nearly a year since my dear boy has been gone. At the moment I am speechless, but hope words come to me later.

I want to invite you all to sign his guestbook at Legacy.com. It will only be up until March 23, 2009

Memorial Guestbook

Love and Hugs,
Lin

My Sweet Nathan

I miss you so much I can hardly think. Your mama is looking after me though, so all those things you used to ask me, your mama does now. :-) I've tried to reassure her, but I'm not sure I've done so. I don't know how Heaven works. I know you haven't become an Angel. You are now a Saint, and if you are able to reassure your mama on my behalf; will you please? I don't want her to suffer some of the anguish you did my beloved grandson. I was never sure I had reassured you, I can only hope I did in some small way.

You've been gone nearly a year now. I love you so much. My love for you only continues to grow. I'll be down at your mama's on the 20th of March and will stay a couple nights. I look forward to and yet dread the the grief I know it will be. But it will be whether I'm here or with your mama, and I prefer to be with her.

Dearest loves

To all of my friends:

The pain is still there and deep. I suppose it always will be. But dearly beloveds, I am OK. I truly am. I don't cry as much now, but I wish I could sometimes. :-) This is a particularly difficult time so all the hurt is rushing to the forefront. The next month or two are going to be tough.

There's no point to this post other than to reassure you all that indeed I am well. From what I understand, my grief is about as it should be at this point in time. I love you all and thank each of you for your prayers and pray you continue.

Love and Hugs,
Lin

Giving and Receiving Consolation

written by Henri Nouwen

Consolation is a beautiful word. It means "to be"
(con-) "with the lonely one" (solus). To offer
consolation is one of the most important ways to care. Life
is so full of pain, sadness, and loneliness that we often
wonder what we can do to alleviate the immense suffering we
see. We can and must offer consolation. We can and must
console the mother who lost her child, the young person with
AIDS, the family whose house burned down, the soldier who
was wounded, the teenager who contemplates suicide, the old
man who wonders why he should stay alive.

To console does not mean to take away the pain but rather to
be there and say, "You are not alone, I am with you.
Together we can carry the burden. Don't be afraid. I am
here." That is consolation. We all need to give it as well
as to receive it.

Visit HenriNouwen.org for more inspiration!
http://www.henrinouwen.org/

My Sweet Lamb

The screen saver on my computer is a slide show of Nathan, one of my favorite things upon which to gaze.

The picture showing just as I walked back to the computer was a photo of Nathan with a group of other young people at a religious outing. This particular group of people didn't treat Nathan very well in regards to some of his problems. They were cold and cruel, and the hurt is reflected in his face. It's particularly hurtful because Nathan was such a gentle and sweet man.

I remember one time when he was mowing the lawn for his dad and he ran over a baby bunny. He wept and wept. I didn't think he would ever get over it. It was awful.

He always befriended the underdogs at school, because he couldn't tolerate others being mistreated.

I think when these gentle lambs are hurt, as Nathan was by this group, it goes deep, very deep. I know this incident affected him deeply.

There is no point to this post really. It's just another aspect of missing Nathan that I just had to get off my chest.