Happy New Year Darling Boy

Some how I don't think time is relative where you are. :-) It's not totally different from our time here. The goats get milked once a day, they don't know New Year from any other day. And it's for that reason that Papaw Phil and I will be home this eve and in bed before midnight. We do chores of a morning and they need done regardless of dates. Nathan, you would have so much fun making fun of Grama and the animals. I miss your ornery taunting. Remember "Am I aggravating you yet?" and "Give me the can." No one teases me anymore, not the way you did my darling, with love and kindness, never risking a hurt feeling. What was it you said at the local grocery about my T-shirt being up on one side and down on the other? :-D Something about all old ladies do that? hehehe I remember when you were just a little fella and I had you a lot of the time when your Mommy was working. Over on Valley Dr., you used to sit under the computer desk when I was online (AOL), it was all DOS operating back then. You sat there because I kept the house cool, and the register was at the foot of the computer stand and it felt warm to you from there. I kept telling you to put a sweat shirt on, but you wouldn't.* THAT was where I first began to learn about digital imaging. You would sit there and tell me step by step what to do to make an image do what it needed to do, ie: buttons. :-) I just can't believe all those memories. I love you Nathan, always have, always will. I look forward to meeting you again.

*If I had it to do all over again, I'd have turned the thermostat up to 100!

I guess I better go, for now.

Merry Christmas 2011

Dearest Nathan,

One more year goes by without you, another birthday another Christmas. We miss you so much, the family and me. I've talked to your mama a lot recently and she hurts, she hurts a lot. Just intercede in prayer for her comfort and healing. It hurts so much to see her suffer so. I'm not quite sure how heaven works and how the saints contacting those of us left behind works, but if you saints are permitted to send a kiss or make an audible sound, do so with your mama. She would love it if she could just feel your presence. Love and Hugs, Grama

Just life

My beloved Nathan,

Things aren't like they should be. I should quit hurting shouldn't I? I should quit loving to hear the music you loved, shouldn't I? But I don't, I don't quit hurting. When I try to comfort people, I always relate to my loss about you. I'm hushed sometimes, because I go on so. Not by the grieving, but by others who think I'm inappropriate. It's so strange that there are those who think me out of line. You always wished I would be MORE out of line. :-) So Nathan my love, my wish is to meet again with you, but not before your mama does, because that would grieve her so. And hey! By the way, I am far less irritated at loud music, because you shared your perspective, and I'm well enough to understand.

It's graduation time of year. A very painful time of year. Last year I was so damn bitter. You should have been graduating. I want to be with you my beloved grandson. I miss you so much.

Love, Grama

Thanksgiving

Hello my precious. Phil and I had Thanksgiving dinner with your mama, Nick and dad. Dawn and family came later. Of course the conversation turned to you, and I know these holidays will never ever pass without you being uppermost on our minds.

Your mama did so well. If I weren't her mama (your grama) I'd have thought everything was so normal. But I know, and I feel. But I am blessed your mama goes on for brother. Nathan, Nick is so sweet. You'd be so proud of him. He is really very much like you. He's so much fun, and sweet and gentle, just like you always were.

I think I've come to grips with the fact that things will never be the same. I think I expected things to "get back to normal" whatever that is.

Nathan, I have a favor to ask. Remember Ernie? I have pics of you holding him. He's been ill lately. If something would happen, just take care of my little boy won't you? Shania will love him and be gentle with him I know. You just need to shepherd the two of them. :-)

Love and hugs,
Grama

Hello my beloved,

It's coming up on the fall season again. Of course with fall comes one of your favorite celebrations, Halloween. You were always such a prankster. muahahaha. Remember when you scared the little kids, Nick and Caden, with the Freddie mask? You were so bad. I think of you and smile, and savor the thoughts. And it's a little easier to do as I sit and smell the apples that have fallen off the trees. It smells vaguely like apple cider. hmmmmmmm. We have a cat now. His name is Barney. He takes his toys, (yes we actually buy the cat toys) into his bed. Yes he has a bed in the barn. He's quite a pampered little boy. Anyway, while making sure everything was fit for King Barnie, I discovered an apple, all brown, shriveled and dried up, in his bed! Good grief, he loves it! Well buddy, That's it for now. I love you as always, and I look forward to our reunion. Love and Hugs.

Hello Buddy

I just have to tell you buddy, grama's gone wireless. :-) I think I will truly love it and now some of those funny things you used to do (particularly using the laptop mouse) is more familiar to me. It's been a struggle to learn, I've gone kicking and screaming. Phil, bought it for me, and I wouldn't even use it at first. But of course little by little, I got curious. I really do like it now, but I sure wish you were here to poke fun at me! :-) I miss you buddy, as much as always. Love you, Grama

My precious Angel

It's been so long since I last posted, but Nathan is on my mind every day and every night.

I've recently had computer woes. My eyes are burning from tears. I didn't know how to fix any of it, and I realized if my beloved were here he could fix it. My angst and heartache are always way more than I think I can endure. Will it ever end?

Nathan love, it's not just computer issues. Life is difficult, not for the timid for sure, my lamb. I wish I were with you. I know life is much easier there. I love my dear grandson.