And another thing...

...people will get tired of listening to you. Learn to bear your grief alone.

One time, about six/nine months ago, I called Lisa and asked her how she was doing. In an overly cheerful voice she said "I'm fine Mom." I knew she wasn't and said to her, "are you really?" to which she said "no, but everyone expects me to be." I told her I didn't, but I knew I didn't understand her pain. All she wanted was for someone to understand that the hurt she felt from her loss was beyond all comprehension. They didn't need to understand her pain, just that it was more than most people ever feel. Now I don't begin to understand. I only understand the unbearable pain I feel. I still get so damn pissed. It's not right, it's not fair. And if one more person asks me if I think a grief counselor will help, I am going to pound the living daylights out of them.

I'm not sure (once again) what the point of this post is. I just know I hurt so damn bad that life is almost unbearable at times.

Sometimes

Sometimes I think I must really be naive. I thought each life, each individual, was equal. At least that's the premise of the constitution. You know, "all men are created equal". Originally the the quotation was taken from "a rebuttal to the going political theory of the day: the Divine Right of Kings. Jefferson borrowed the expression from an Italian friend and neighbor, Philip Mazzei,[1] as noted by Joint Resolution 175 of the 103rd Congress as well as John F. Kennedy in "A Nation Of Immigrants." Info from Wikipedia.

I guess it's just a really difficult time for me right now with all these deaths. It just brings my boys absence to the forefront. I hate life without him.

I need to stop.

God will heal the hurt.

I miss him

I don't have anything new to say at all. I just miss you my darling Nathan so darn much. The last couple days have been horrible. I am not sure what set this off. I had this strange experience the other day. I was playing a little game on the computer. One I don't think you would ever have played, but who really knows. :-) All at once I sensed you were with me letting me know you'd just bought a scarecrow. You weren't a ghost or a vision or anything supernatural. I can't quite explain it. I've never heard anyone relate any experience quite like it. And I could smell your scent. Oh your sweet scent.

I love you Nathan and it doesn't matter to me that people think I need to get over you. I will never "be over" losing you, my first grandchild. I will always have moments that I hurt so badly that I feel as though I can't go on. Sometimes those moments will be just a moment. Other times they may last for days.

I could go on forever, but, I know I need not. I love you my beloved Nathan. I can't wait until we meet again. Gram and I plan on having a race to see who can get to you first once we arrive. So far I have the advantage, 'cause Gram hurt her foot and can't move too fast.

I am saddened

This is the only place I can post and be honest.

We, Nathans family and I will NEVER EVER get over it. There are people who believe after a year we should be moving on. Well it isn't so.

I am rambling at this point. If it weren't for my doctor, Todd Hougland, MD, I suppose I would be in a mental facility, thank God and His mercy, Dr. Hougland doesn't endorse drugs. He's assured me that it is o.k. to talk about Nathan. :-)

I've not gotten a whole lot of support from more than my family, because they understand on a personal level, how bad it hurts. No one else wants to be bothered. I just re-read this paragraph and it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either. :-)

I am hurt by the church. They've not been the support system I expected them to be. Wonder if that's because I wasn't baptised at birth? But the church is NOT God. God is God! Praise His holy name. We just only have to trust in God for the hurts to be manageable.

It's been nearly a year

It's been nearly a year since my dear boy has been gone. At the moment I am speechless, but hope words come to me later.

I want to invite you all to sign his guestbook at Legacy.com. It will only be up until March 23, 2009

Memorial Guestbook

Love and Hugs,
Lin

My Sweet Nathan

I miss you so much I can hardly think. Your mama is looking after me though, so all those things you used to ask me, your mama does now. :-) I've tried to reassure her, but I'm not sure I've done so. I don't know how Heaven works. I know you haven't become an Angel. You are now a Saint, and if you are able to reassure your mama on my behalf; will you please? I don't want her to suffer some of the anguish you did my beloved grandson. I was never sure I had reassured you, I can only hope I did in some small way.

You've been gone nearly a year now. I love you so much. My love for you only continues to grow. I'll be down at your mama's on the 20th of March and will stay a couple nights. I look forward to and yet dread the the grief I know it will be. But it will be whether I'm here or with your mama, and I prefer to be with her.

Dearest loves

To all of my friends:

The pain is still there and deep. I suppose it always will be. But dearly beloveds, I am OK. I truly am. I don't cry as much now, but I wish I could sometimes. :-) This is a particularly difficult time so all the hurt is rushing to the forefront. The next month or two are going to be tough.

There's no point to this post other than to reassure you all that indeed I am well. From what I understand, my grief is about as it should be at this point in time. I love you all and thank each of you for your prayers and pray you continue.

Love and Hugs,
Lin