Sunday, June 28, 2009

And another thing...

...people will get tired of listening to you. Learn to bear your grief alone.

One time, about six/nine months ago, I called Lisa and asked her how she was doing. In an overly cheerful voice she said "I'm fine Mom." I knew she wasn't and said to her, "are you really?" to which she said "no, but everyone expects me to be." I told her I didn't, but I knew I didn't understand her pain. All she wanted was for someone to understand that the hurt she felt from her loss was beyond all comprehension. They didn't need to understand her pain, just that it was more than most people ever feel. Now I don't begin to understand. I only understand the unbearable pain I feel. I still get so damn pissed. It's not right, it's not fair. And if one more person asks me if I think a grief counselor will help, I am going to pound the living daylights out of them.

I'm not sure (once again) what the point of this post is. I just know I hurt so damn bad that life is almost unbearable at times.


Sometimes I think I must really be naive. I thought each life, each individual, was equal. At least that's the premise of the constitution. You know, "all men are created equal". Originally the the quotation was taken from "a rebuttal to the going political theory of the day: the Divine Right of Kings. Jefferson borrowed the expression from an Italian friend and neighbor, Philip Mazzei,[1] as noted by Joint Resolution 175 of the 103rd Congress as well as John F. Kennedy in "A Nation Of Immigrants." Info from Wikipedia.

I guess it's just a really difficult time for me right now with all these deaths. It just brings my boys absence to the forefront. I hate life without him.

I need to stop.

God will heal the hurt.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

I miss him

I don't have anything new to say at all. I just miss you my darling Nathan so darn much. The last couple days have been horrible. I am not sure what set this off. I had this strange experience the other day. I was playing a little game on the computer. One I don't think you would ever have played, but who really knows. :-) All at once I sensed you were with me letting me know you'd just bought a scarecrow. You weren't a ghost or a vision or anything supernatural. I can't quite explain it. I've never heard anyone relate any experience quite like it. And I could smell your scent. Oh your sweet scent.

I love you Nathan and it doesn't matter to me that people think I need to get over you. I will never "be over" losing you, my first grandchild. I will always have moments that I hurt so badly that I feel as though I can't go on. Sometimes those moments will be just a moment. Other times they may last for days.

I could go on forever, but, I know I need not. I love you my beloved Nathan. I can't wait until we meet again. Gram and I plan on having a race to see who can get to you first once we arrive. So far I have the advantage, 'cause Gram hurt her foot and can't move too fast.