Saturday, December 20, 2008


This would have been Nathan's 21st birthday.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Nathan spoke to me

This is a tough time in my life, in a number of ways, not the least of which is missing my boy.

We are possibly facing changes in our life that are very stressful. Nathan's seen me stressed at times beyond all reason. Sometimes he wasn't able to calm me, but other times? He was my sanity.

Phil and I were having a heated discussion this evening. I, as is not uncommon, stomped down the hall to my computer for comfort. I was feeling insecure and disgruntled.

All at once I heard Nathan say, "Now Gramaaaaa" drawing out the last syllable of Grama. That is what he always said when he felt I was unreasonable about something. :-)

I just wonder if he had any concept of what an impact he had. Nathan, I hope you are my guardian angel. :-) You surely will keep me from making bad decisions.

I love you so much buddy, and oh dear God I miss you.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thinking of you Nathan

Dear Nathan, It's only Wednesday, but I am cooking turkey. It's a very quiet and somber holiday kick-off without you buddy. I'm usually talking back and forth to your mama, but not this year. I haven't been able to talk to her much lately... I suspect she's not doing well at all, I would expect that any way.

Phil and I were in Target the other day, just wandering around. We looked at dog clothes and treats some household items, women's clothes and finally men's clothes. I saw the kind of shorts you liked and lots of the jammer bottoms. Actually I saw a number of things I know you liked. I wish I could have bought them for you. Love, Grama

Monday, November 24, 2008

I am missing Nathan

It's the holiday season and I am missing Nathan terribly. I just don't know what else to say. I miss my boy.

Everytime I see that ad on TV for Dell Computers where a lady sings in a whispery voice "I am green today" it brings Nathan to mind. While he may not have been big on Dell Computers, (he was sold on Mac's) he'd have loved the green. Green was, after all, his favorite color.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

In Memory of Jesus and the Saints

Daily Meditation for November 12, 2008
written by Henri Nouwen

In Memory of Jesus and the Saints

Belonging to the communion of saints means being connected
with all people transformed by the Spirit of Jesus. This
connection is deep and intimate. Those who have lived as
brothers and sisters of Jesus continue to live within us,
even though they have died, just as Jesus continues to live
within us, even though he has died.

We live our lives in memory of Jesus and the saints, and
this memory is a real presence. Jesus and his saints are
part of our most intimate and spiritual knowledge of God.
They inspire us, guide us, encourage us, and give us hope.
They are the source of our constant transformation. Yes, we
carry them in our bodies and thus keep them alive for all
with whom we live and work.

Footnote: I am just very recently coming into a better understanding of the communion of saints and it is such a comfort to ponder on Nathan's continuing "to live within us". It makes me feel much more "normal" for lack of a better word to realize that it is natural to "carry [him] in our bodies and thus keep[ing] [him] alive for all with whom we live"... I'm not sure, but I think it's helping me realize that I haven't had that desire for Jesus, not that deep burning, want Him with me all the time, feeling. Thank you Nathan for giving me direction, and thank you Jesus for speaking through this awfulness as I stumble along trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. I love you both so much.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

From Uncle Tommy

Nathan's Uncle Tom, Nathan's mama's brother, left this as a comment to another post. I feel it more appropriately belongs on the front page. Thank you my beloved son Tom for sharing your heart.

In Loving Memory

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And I'll come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad He set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

November 10, 2008 9:16 PM

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Seven months today

It's been seven months today since Nathan left us. I have a very hard time using the word died when talking about Nathan. It sounds so final. I know Lisa will be in pain today. I feel so helpless. I wish I could send some cheerful or inspirational email that would make it all better, or at least less painful.

My computer could use a tune up I think, things that I haven't the vaguest idea how to do, such as cleaning up the registry. I've never ever tampered with anything in the registry. Nathan did, he was so confident, it didn't scare him at all. Some days I have the thought, after some minor accomplishment, that Nathan would be so proud of me. Oh how I long to hear him say those words again. It was so neat to hear such a young person say they were proud of someone my age, and so sweet for him to be so thoughtful.

I so regret that we seemed to be mildly estranged before he left. I should have put forth a little more effort than I did to stay in contact. He asked me to. He always reminded me that I could send email to him if I wanted. I don't know why I didn't, I can remember feeling that I didn't know what type of emails he liked. Jokes? Technical article? In retrospect I realize it didn't even matter. Oh God I hope he knew I loved him. I miss you so much Nate.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


I fear this may be a lot of rambling. I am terribly unsettled today for a lot of reasons, and when I'm unsettled about other things, I miss Nathan more. I wonder if that is normal.

I bought a GPS about 3 weeks ago, used it once and it quit working. I instantly thought of Nathan. The GPS is after all electronic. I took it back and exchanged it for another.

I worry about Lisa. I try not to Lisa, but you are my child. I don't know why I worry, because there is no aspect of the things I worry about that I can change. I feel rebellious and angry. Just why did Nathan have to die? I can't hardly bear the agony you suffer. I love you so much, and I miss him.

I was critically ill approxiamately 8 years ago. At the time I was admittecd to the hospital I was having no pain at all, just sorta lapsing in and out of consciousness. I could have slipped into unconsciousness and then death and never have known a thing about it, never suffered. And by now the worst of everyone else's suffering would be over too. I know this "trading" one life for another isn't how things are done. I'm not even sure that my eternal home at that time would have been heaven, so maybe that's why my life was spared. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just know it hurts a lot.

I think I should be over hurting, but it has been only seven months. The intense seemingly unbearable grief is still natural at this time. You can't hurry grieving, I've read. But it's a tiresome and wearying journey.

Friday, October 10, 2008

October 10, 2008

First I need to say I cannot take credit for anything regarding this gorgeous blog. My mom graciously allowed me to take part in this blog for Nathan. I never thought I would ever post anything as I am totally clueless in anything website, computer or electronic related. It was even easier for me than most to be totally lazy when it came to learning anything about the above as Nathan lived with me!!! In fact, Mike and I used to joke that we would be 60 years old and buying a new TV that Nathan would have to come over and set up for us.

I don't know what came over me that I decided to give it a try. I even had to download updates for Java to be able to post to this, and anyone who knows me knows this is a huge step.

I look at this blog several times a day. I think my mom thought I wouldn't like it or that it would be to painful for me. That is absolutely not the case. I tell people often, there is not even an hour that goes by that I don't think about Nathan. Nobody is ever going to upset me by talking or sharing about him to me. I miss him very much and there are days that I think I can't do this, I don't want to do this. I do not want to live another second without my son. But I have to. I know everyone thinks it's as easy as the fact that I have another son to live for. And in some ways that is true. I love Nick very much and he needs me badly now. But, when your children are alive you never think about loving one more than the other. For me now it is always in my mind that if I live I have Nick, if I die I have Nathan. And please nobody get me wrong I don't want to die. I am not suicidal, these are just some of things I think about now.

Well, I think my very first posting went ok. I hope nothing I said offends anyone.

Nathan's Mama

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


PhotobucketNext to fireworks, I think Nathan thought Halloween was more fun than any other thing. He used to love to go to the party, turned Halloween stores every year and add something silly, scary or mysterious to his big Halloween display. He had big figurines and pretend smoke and all sorts of scary noises to spook the little ones. It was really most elaborate. But best of all I think he liked his big rubber head mask of Freddy Kruger or Michael Myers or some one of those characters. He could really get the kids going with that one.

A couple years ago when I went to visit Lisa and family, it happened to be in the early Fall of the year and they made one of their many trips to the copious Halloween stores in their area. I had never been in one, I didn't even know such a thing existed, so I joined them and it was really quite amazing.

This year, I decided to visit one of the stores up this way in memory of my buddy. There were all kinds of things he would have liked. Things that made noise and others that blew smoke. I spent a bit of time looking through all the offerings and after deciding there just wasn't anything I couldn't do without I walked around the perimeter of the store and out along the front windows. Stocked there were helium kits for blowing up balloons. Some of you know why that's significant, but out of respect for my daughter I don't care to go into it any deeper.

Initially I froze and then I was sickened and left the store immediately. Will these things always affect me this way? My stomach is still a little queasy today, and I miss him more than ever. I love you Nathan Daniel Conner. I just wish I could have fixed your hurts.

Saturday, October 4, 2008


My memory has gotten really bad since Nathan's leaving us and I have blamed it on stress, and I'm sure that is part of it. But I was re-reading the shopping post and the word challenged jumped out at me. I'm not challenged now, Nathan's not around to keep me alert and on my toes.

Nathan used to call me about computer "stuff" he had just learned. He told me he called me to talk because I was the only one who understood what he was talking about. At the time, he knew so much more than I ever aspired to, but I said a lot of , "uh huh, well no, I don't understand exactly, but I understand the principle". He challenged me!

Nathan I miss you so much, and this is one of those days that is just nearly unbearable to me. I love you buddy.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Nathan remembered

A sweet friend and co-worker of Lisas and dear friend to Nathan wrote this very beautiful poem.


I thought I felt a raindrop, land upon my cheek,
And then I heard the wind blow, rustling through the trees.
I stopped and listened closer, something wasn't right,
I realized it wasn't wind, or rain upon my face.
I felt your presence close to me, your kiss upon my cheek,
And then I heard you whisper, "I just stopped to say hello,
To tell you that I miss you and I love you so.
Although you cannot see me, I am never far away,
My love is always with you, remember that each day."

by Barb Luttrell ©2008

Barb, Thank you so much for reminding us that Nathan is as close as a memory; and thank you for loving Lisa. Also, thank you for allowing us to publish this very beautiful poem. We miss him so much.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

On the Journey To Becoming Fully Human

From time to time I read something that totally brings this grief thing back into perspective and that was so today. I would like to share it with you now.
"I still remember holding the eighteen week old twins in the palm of my hands. As I peered down at their tiny bodies I was in awe of their finger nails, the eye lids and little toes that were all so perfectly formed. With reverence I witnessed the grief stricken young parents mourning their children they would never be able to nurture. Nor can I quite forget my experience in the Emergency Department with the seventeen year-old boy who was found in cardiac arrest in his bed at 7:00 a.m. by his parents shortly before they were to leave for work one morning. The doctors came into our small consultation room to tell us that they were able to bring him back one more time, but not sure how many more times they could do so. He was to have his senior pictures taken later that morning. At another time there was the elderly gentleman who had been raking leaves the day before, then went out into the yard the next morning to see his work, went back into the house to lay down, never to wake again. A bit later his wife called one of his sons and said,"Son, your daddy is dead, his is done dead."

"I have learned that to become fully human is to live with the awareness that we will not live in our human bodies forever. To become fully human is to celebrate the joys of birth and the sorrows of death. To be fully human is to walk on this earth realizing that the greater gift that we do not yet fully comprehend is yet to be known. It is to realize that our humanity is connected to the dust of this earth, where our bodies will one day return. The brokenness, the sorrows and imperfections of this life will one day passaway when we will enter that place where we will behold God face to face." by Randall W. Trego
The day will come when I meet God and Nathan face to face. Until then...

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


I went shopping the other day, and walked through a variety of departments just looking around. It never ceases to amaze me how early Christmas merchandising begins. I could hear various ornaments playing bits of Christmas carols as I moseyed through the store. While I hold the early Christmas business in total disdain, I couldn't help but let my mind wander just a little about what I would get the kids this year, if finances permit. THEN, I entered the electronics department. I felt as though I'd been punched in the stomach. It was a feeling not totally unlike the feeling I had "that" day my daughter called giving me the news about Nathan.

Nathan loved everything electronic, big or small, but particularly computers. As Nathan grew up, it became a little more challenging to shop for him. Toys for him became more costly. It was a little frustrating to find something he'd actually like, that was in my budget. Now there won't be any challenges about my buddy's gift. I wish he was here for me to be challenged about. I've always disliked all the hub-bub of Christmas shopping and the crowds, however, this year will be particularly difficult and sad, very sad. I miss him so much.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A conversation with Nathan

Dear Nathan,

I sure miss you buddy and miss being able to talk to you and ask your advice and even debate with you, knowing that we will never agree on issues. Remember the debate we had about Ellen Degeneres? Turns out you were right! I wish you were here for me to tell you so. She's a pretty incredible entertainer and is an advocate for animals! Of course that wins points with me. And then there was Amy Sedaris, who I've come to really enjoy. I've seen her in lots of other things besides Strangers with Candy, (which by the way, I still don't like :-) ) and she is indeed quite a talented actress. I wish you were here for me to share that with you. And then music, which was always such an important part of your life, why did I have to be so priggish about it? I love music and always have. You liked so many different genres and we could have enjoyed hours of sharing had I not been so stubborn. I wish you were here so I could tell you all this. I'm sorry, so sorry Nathan that I didn't love you as I should have. I thought I did, but I made so many mistakes. Why did it take this to put things in perspective? Oh God forgive me. Well Buddy, I guess I need to go for today. I love you and miss you. My only comfort is that I'll meet with you again someday! To God be the Glory!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

It Hurts

A while back I received an email from my daughter Lisa, Nathan's mama, that said:

"This says it all for me. Love, Lisa" and attached was a pdf that read:

I said, "God, I hurt."
And God said, "I know."

I said, "God, I cry a lot."
And God said, "That's why I gave you tears."

I said, "God, I am so depressed."
And God said, "That's why I gave you sunshine."

I said, "God, life is so hard."
And God said, "That's why I gave you loved ones."

I said, "God, my loved one died."
And God said, "So did mine."

I said, "God, it is such a loss."
And God said, "I saw my son nailed to a cross."

I said, "God, but your loved one lives."
And God said, "So does yours."

I said, "God, where are they now?"
And God said, "Mine is on my right and yours is in the Light."

I said, "God, it hurts."
And God said, "I know."

I don't know who authored this lovely piece, but they surely had some insight into the grief one suffers at the loss of a child.

I'm so sorry my darling Lisa that you hurt as you do. Sometimes I know I get so caught up in me and forget the agony that you are suffering. And I know I can't begin to imagine your pain. I only know the pain I feel as your mama, at the hurt you suffer and feel so helpless. I can't fix it for you. I love you darling Lisa.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


Naturally the reason I am starting this blog is to try to muddle through the loss of my beloved grandson Nathan Daniel Conner. But why call it Only for a Morning? Let me share with you.

As I was walking my fur babies the other morning, I stood in awe of the beautiful orange and red variegated Morning Glories. I was astounded at their presence as I hadn't planted them and yet they appeared as though to usher in the morning in all their magnificence as their tiny trumpet shaped blossoms reminded me that "This is the day which the LORD has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Ps. 118:24

As I stood and admired their beauty, the thought crossed my mind that it's such a shame that such a lovely, delicate bloom only lasted for such a short time, as so many days I'm not up early enough to revel in their beauty. They come out only for the morning. I realized at that moment, that was how Nathans life seemed to be; only for the morning. He would never see the evening. Why must so many beautiful things be so short lived? Nathan was a beautiful boy, young man, and his life was cut so short. He had so much to give, and to learn and experience. Why our boy?

I miss him terribly and can hardly post for the trembly hands and watery eyes. God I know you are taking better care of him than we ever could have, but we sure do miss him. If only we could have him back.

I also learned that morning; that my grief isn't a one time thing that I'll get over after awhile. It's a journey, a long sometimes arduous journey. My life has changed forever, and I need to learn to adjust, and that is what this blog is about.

Lin aka Grama