New Year

I cannot bring myself to say Happy New Year, as ours is not so much anymore without you my beloved grandson. I do know that yours will be happier than ours. That is the ONLY consolation to it. Love and Hugs, Grama

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas my beloved boy! You are having a more true Christmas than any of us can imagine. And the Angels sang, 'Glory to God in the highest, peace on Earth, Goodwill toward men".

We miss you sorely. If you were here you would call and tell me about your new electronics and then rush off to "play" with them. I love you so much Nathan.

Love and Hugs,
Grama

All moved

Well buddy, we got moved, but it hasn't been without some vexation over the phone and internet service. It's a DSL connection through Verizon and you warned me not to get a DSL service. That warning, so etched into my memory, came to the forefront as we've struggled with all this. My connection is so darn slow, but then you warned me about that too. You said I wouldn't like it. One thing I am really glad about is that it wasn't my choice. :-) It was all that was available out here. I'd really be kicking myself if I'd had a choice and chose this.

You wouldn't like our new place too much. You're too much a city boy and this is farm-like out here. Even has a few animals, besides dogs. But it's good for us; and healing, very healing.

I sure wish I could hear you sing with us other saints. What beautiful harmony it must be. I love you grandson, forever and ever.

Hurting Heart

My precious boy. Another young man named Kyle took his own life the other day and as I read some of the post in his guest book, it could have been yours. He was loved and his family and friends are devastated. I wish we could eradicate suicide. It's a torture no family should ever have to suffer. You've been so heavily on my mind since I heard about this boy. I suppose that will always be the case.

I thank God for my memories of you. I love you and look forward to seeing you when God sees fit to take me home.

Missing you today Buddy

I miss you more than anybody oughta.

Moving Jitters

Dearest Nathan,

I am so jittery about so many aspects of our upcoming move, not the least of which is all the disconnecting and hooking up of electronics. I don't know what I am going to do about the phone. I had no clue when we got the VoIP before. You did that by remote from your computer!

Thinking of you today sweet boy.

My dear boy, as fall approaches, and Halloween fun is around the corner, memories of you flood my heart and mind. You loved Halloween and all the silly and "spooky" stuff. Remember how Cayden hated those Freddy and Michael Myers masks you had? I talked to Nick the other day and he wants to dress up as Freddy for his school H'ween party. He's looking for a new mask. I asked him why he didn't use yours and he told me he couldn't do that because that is your mask! Silly me! I was thinking that you would be proud to have trained "the hemorrhoid" so well.

Nathan I wish you were here. Life at times is unbearable and I need a Nathan fix. But you're gone, and I feel so lonely sometimes. I love you Buddy, I just wish I could have conveyed that to you while you were with us.

And another thing...

...people will get tired of listening to you. Learn to bear your grief alone.

One time, about six/nine months ago, I called Lisa and asked her how she was doing. In an overly cheerful voice she said "I'm fine Mom." I knew she wasn't and said to her, "are you really?" to which she said "no, but everyone expects me to be." I told her I didn't, but I knew I didn't understand her pain. All she wanted was for someone to understand that the hurt she felt from her loss was beyond all comprehension. They didn't need to understand her pain, just that it was more than most people ever feel. Now I don't begin to understand. I only understand the unbearable pain I feel. I still get so damn pissed. It's not right, it's not fair. And if one more person asks me if I think a grief counselor will help, I am going to pound the living daylights out of them.

I'm not sure (once again) what the point of this post is. I just know I hurt so damn bad that life is almost unbearable at times.

Sometimes

Sometimes I think I must really be naive. I thought each life, each individual, was equal. At least that's the premise of the constitution. You know, "all men are created equal". Originally the the quotation was taken from "a rebuttal to the going political theory of the day: the Divine Right of Kings. Jefferson borrowed the expression from an Italian friend and neighbor, Philip Mazzei,[1] as noted by Joint Resolution 175 of the 103rd Congress as well as John F. Kennedy in "A Nation Of Immigrants." Info from Wikipedia.

I guess it's just a really difficult time for me right now with all these deaths. It just brings my boys absence to the forefront. I hate life without him.

I need to stop.

God will heal the hurt.

I miss him

I don't have anything new to say at all. I just miss you my darling Nathan so darn much. The last couple days have been horrible. I am not sure what set this off. I had this strange experience the other day. I was playing a little game on the computer. One I don't think you would ever have played, but who really knows. :-) All at once I sensed you were with me letting me know you'd just bought a scarecrow. You weren't a ghost or a vision or anything supernatural. I can't quite explain it. I've never heard anyone relate any experience quite like it. And I could smell your scent. Oh your sweet scent.

I love you Nathan and it doesn't matter to me that people think I need to get over you. I will never "be over" losing you, my first grandchild. I will always have moments that I hurt so badly that I feel as though I can't go on. Sometimes those moments will be just a moment. Other times they may last for days.

I could go on forever, but, I know I need not. I love you my beloved Nathan. I can't wait until we meet again. Gram and I plan on having a race to see who can get to you first once we arrive. So far I have the advantage, 'cause Gram hurt her foot and can't move too fast.

I am saddened

This is the only place I can post and be honest.

We, Nathans family and I will NEVER EVER get over it. There are people who believe after a year we should be moving on. Well it isn't so.

I am rambling at this point. If it weren't for my doctor, Todd Hougland, MD, I suppose I would be in a mental facility, thank God and His mercy, Dr. Hougland doesn't endorse drugs. He's assured me that it is o.k. to talk about Nathan. :-)

I've not gotten a whole lot of support from more than my family, because they understand on a personal level, how bad it hurts. No one else wants to be bothered. I just re-read this paragraph and it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either. :-)

I am hurt by the church. They've not been the support system I expected them to be. Wonder if that's because I wasn't baptised at birth? But the church is NOT God. God is God! Praise His holy name. We just only have to trust in God for the hurts to be manageable.

It's been nearly a year

It's been nearly a year since my dear boy has been gone. At the moment I am speechless, but hope words come to me later.

I want to invite you all to sign his guestbook at Legacy.com. It will only be up until March 23, 2009

Memorial Guestbook

Love and Hugs,
Lin

My Sweet Nathan

I miss you so much I can hardly think. Your mama is looking after me though, so all those things you used to ask me, your mama does now. :-) I've tried to reassure her, but I'm not sure I've done so. I don't know how Heaven works. I know you haven't become an Angel. You are now a Saint, and if you are able to reassure your mama on my behalf; will you please? I don't want her to suffer some of the anguish you did my beloved grandson. I was never sure I had reassured you, I can only hope I did in some small way.

You've been gone nearly a year now. I love you so much. My love for you only continues to grow. I'll be down at your mama's on the 20th of March and will stay a couple nights. I look forward to and yet dread the the grief I know it will be. But it will be whether I'm here or with your mama, and I prefer to be with her.

Dearest loves

To all of my friends:

The pain is still there and deep. I suppose it always will be. But dearly beloveds, I am OK. I truly am. I don't cry as much now, but I wish I could sometimes. :-) This is a particularly difficult time so all the hurt is rushing to the forefront. The next month or two are going to be tough.

There's no point to this post other than to reassure you all that indeed I am well. From what I understand, my grief is about as it should be at this point in time. I love you all and thank each of you for your prayers and pray you continue.

Love and Hugs,
Lin

Giving and Receiving Consolation

written by Henri Nouwen

Consolation is a beautiful word. It means "to be"
(con-) "with the lonely one" (solus). To offer
consolation is one of the most important ways to care. Life
is so full of pain, sadness, and loneliness that we often
wonder what we can do to alleviate the immense suffering we
see. We can and must offer consolation. We can and must
console the mother who lost her child, the young person with
AIDS, the family whose house burned down, the soldier who
was wounded, the teenager who contemplates suicide, the old
man who wonders why he should stay alive.

To console does not mean to take away the pain but rather to
be there and say, "You are not alone, I am with you.
Together we can carry the burden. Don't be afraid. I am
here." That is consolation. We all need to give it as well
as to receive it.

Visit HenriNouwen.org for more inspiration!
http://www.henrinouwen.org/

My Sweet Lamb

The screen saver on my computer is a slide show of Nathan, one of my favorite things upon which to gaze.

The picture showing just as I walked back to the computer was a photo of Nathan with a group of other young people at a religious outing. This particular group of people didn't treat Nathan very well in regards to some of his problems. They were cold and cruel, and the hurt is reflected in his face. It's particularly hurtful because Nathan was such a gentle and sweet man.

I remember one time when he was mowing the lawn for his dad and he ran over a baby bunny. He wept and wept. I didn't think he would ever get over it. It was awful.

He always befriended the underdogs at school, because he couldn't tolerate others being mistreated.

I think when these gentle lambs are hurt, as Nathan was by this group, it goes deep, very deep. I know this incident affected him deeply.

There is no point to this post really. It's just another aspect of missing Nathan that I just had to get off my chest.

So sad

It just feels like things will never be right again.

The struggles and awful pain continue and the far reaching affects are numbing.

Oh Nathan, I wish you hadn't done this.

Not only have I lost my beloved first born grandson, but I've lost a daughter and the pain is almost unbearable. She's just almost unreachable at times. I grieve that. I miss her. I don't expect her to be the same, or to even be healed. She'll never be completely healed. But I feel as grievous about her nearly as much as I do about Nathan.

I pray for Lisa's heart to have some peace, and for her precious weary mind to get some comfort. My first born, beloved baby girl, I love you honey.

My dear boy

I haven't forgotten you dear grandson. I haven't been able to write. Holidays were terrible for me and your mom, dad and Nick. We are coming up on the one year anniversary of your leaving and it's nearly as painful as it was a year ago.