Shopping

I went shopping the other day, and walked through a variety of departments just looking around. It never ceases to amaze me how early Christmas merchandising begins. I could hear various ornaments playing bits of Christmas carols as I moseyed through the store. While I hold the early Christmas business in total disdain, I couldn't help but let my mind wander just a little about what I would get the kids this year, if finances permit. THEN, I entered the electronics department. I felt as though I'd been punched in the stomach. It was a feeling not totally unlike the feeling I had "that" day my daughter called giving me the news about Nathan.

Nathan loved everything electronic, big or small, but particularly computers. As Nathan grew up, it became a little more challenging to shop for him. Toys for him became more costly. It was a little frustrating to find something he'd actually like, that was in my budget. Now there won't be any challenges about my buddy's gift. I wish he was here for me to be challenged about. I've always disliked all the hub-bub of Christmas shopping and the crowds, however, this year will be particularly difficult and sad, very sad. I miss him so much.

A conversation with Nathan

Dear Nathan,

I sure miss you buddy and miss being able to talk to you and ask your advice and even debate with you, knowing that we will never agree on issues. Remember the debate we had about Ellen Degeneres? Turns out you were right! I wish you were here for me to tell you so. She's a pretty incredible entertainer and is an advocate for animals! Of course that wins points with me. And then there was Amy Sedaris, who I've come to really enjoy. I've seen her in lots of other things besides Strangers with Candy, (which by the way, I still don't like :-) ) and she is indeed quite a talented actress. I wish you were here for me to share that with you. And then music, which was always such an important part of your life, why did I have to be so priggish about it? I love music and always have. You liked so many different genres and we could have enjoyed hours of sharing had I not been so stubborn. I wish you were here so I could tell you all this. I'm sorry, so sorry Nathan that I didn't love you as I should have. I thought I did, but I made so many mistakes. Why did it take this to put things in perspective? Oh God forgive me. Well Buddy, I guess I need to go for today. I love you and miss you. My only comfort is that I'll meet with you again someday! To God be the Glory!

It Hurts

A while back I received an email from my daughter Lisa, Nathan's mama, that said:

"This says it all for me. Love, Lisa" and attached was a pdf that read:

I said, "God, I hurt."

And God said, "I know."

I said, "God, I cry a lot."

And God said, "That's why I gave you tears."

I said, "God, I am so depressed."

And God said, "That's why I gave you sunshine."

I said, "God, life is so hard."

And God said, "That's why I gave you loved ones."

I said, "God, my loved one died."

And God said, "So did mine."

I said, "God, it is such a loss."

And God said, "I saw my son nailed to a cross."

I said, "God, but your loved one lives."

And God said, "So does yours."

I said, "God, where are they now?"

And God said, "Mine is on my right and yours is in the Light."

I said, "God, it hurts."

And God said, "I know."

I don't know who authored this lovely piece, but they surely had some insight into the grief one suffers at the loss of a child.

I'm so sorry my darling Lisa that you hurt as you do. Sometimes I know I get so caught up in me and forget the agony that you are suffering. And I know I can't begin to imagine your pain. I only know the pain I feel as your mama, at the hurt you suffer and feel so helpless. I can't fix it for you. I love you darling Lisa.

Introduction

Naturally the reason I am starting this blog is to try to muddle through the loss of my beloved grandson Nathan Daniel Conner. But why call it Only for a Morning? Let me share with you.

As I was walking my fur babies the other morning, I stood in awe of the beautiful orange and red variegated Morning Glories. I was astounded at their presence as I hadn't planted them and yet they appeared as though to usher in the morning in all their magnificence as their tiny trumpet shaped blossoms reminded me that "This is the day which the LORD has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it." Ps. 118:24

As I stood and admired their beauty, the thought crossed my mind that it's such a shame that such a lovely, delicate bloom only lasted for such a short time, as so many days I'm not up early enough to revel in their beauty. They come out only for the morning. I realized at that moment, that was how Nathans life seemed to be; only for the morning. He would never see the evening. Why must so many beautiful things be so short lived? Nathan was a beautiful boy, young man, and his life was cut so short. He had so much to give, and to learn and experience. Why our boy?

I miss him terribly and can hardly post for the trembly hands and watery eyes. God I know you are taking better care of him than we ever could have, but we sure do miss him. If only we could have him back.

I also learned that morning; that my grief isn't a one time thing that I'll get over after awhile. It's a journey, a long sometimes arduous journey. My life has changed forever, and I need to learn to adjust, and that is what this blog is about.

Blessings,
Lin aka Grama