Seven months today

It's been seven months today since Nathan left us. I have a very hard time using the word died when talking about Nathan. It sounds so final. I know Lisa will be in pain today. I feel so helpless. I wish I could send some cheerful or inspirational email that would make it all better, or at least less painful.

My computer could use a tune up I think, things that I haven't the vaguest idea how to do, such as cleaning up the registry. I've never ever tampered with anything in the registry. Nathan did, he was so confident, it didn't scare him at all. Some days I have the thought, after some minor accomplishment, that Nathan would be so proud of me. Oh how I long to hear him say those words again. It was so neat to hear such a young person say they were proud of someone my age, and so sweet for him to be so thoughtful.

I so regret that we seemed to be mildly estranged before he left. I should have put forth a little more effort than I did to stay in contact. He asked me to. He always reminded me that I could send email to him if I wanted. I don't know why I didn't, I can remember feeling that I didn't know what type of emails he liked. Jokes? Technical article? In retrospect I realize it didn't even matter. Oh God I hope he knew I loved him. I miss you so much Nate.

Rambling

I fear this may be a lot of rambling. I am terribly unsettled today for a lot of reasons, and when I'm unsettled about other things, I miss Nathan more. I wonder if that is normal.

I bought a GPS about 3 weeks ago, used it once and it quit working. I instantly thought of Nathan. The GPS is after all electronic. I took it back and exchanged it for another.

I worry about Lisa. I try not to Lisa, but you are my child. I don't know why I worry, because there is no aspect of the things I worry about that I can change. I feel rebellious and angry. Just why did Nathan have to die? I can't hardly bear the agony you suffer. I love you so much, and I miss him.

I was critically ill approxiamately 8 years ago. At the time I was admittecd to the hospital I was having no pain at all, just sorta lapsing in and out of consciousness. I could have slipped into unconsciousness and then death and never have known a thing about it, never suffered. And by now the worst of everyone else's suffering would be over too. I know this "trading" one life for another isn't how things are done. I'm not even sure that my eternal home at that time would have been heaven, so maybe that's why my life was spared. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just know it hurts a lot.

I think I should be over hurting, but it has been only seven months. The intense seemingly unbearable grief is still natural at this time. You can't hurry grieving, I've read. But it's a tiresome and wearying journey.

October 10, 2008

First I need to say I cannot take credit for anything regarding this gorgeous blog. My mom graciously allowed me to take part in this blog for Nathan. I never thought I would ever post anything as I am totally clueless in anything website, computer or electronic related. It was even easier for me than most to be totally lazy when it came to learning anything about the above as Nathan lived with me!!! In fact, Mike and I used to joke that we would be 60 years old and buying a new TV that Nathan would have to come over and set up for us.

I don't know what came over me that I decided to give it a try. I even had to download updates for Java to be able to post to this, and anyone who knows me knows this is a huge step.

I look at this blog several times a day. I think my mom thought I wouldn't like it or that it would be to painful for me. That is absolutely not the case. I tell people often, there is not even an hour that goes by that I don't think about Nathan. Nobody is ever going to upset me by talking or sharing about him to me. I miss him very much and there are days that I think I can't do this, I don't want to do this. I do not want to live another second without my son. But I have to. I know everyone thinks it's as easy as the fact that I have another son to live for. And in some ways that is true. I love Nick very much and he needs me badly now. But, when your children are alive you never think about loving one more than the other. For me now it is always in my mind that if I live I have Nick, if I die I have Nathan. And please nobody get me wrong I don't want to die. I am not suicidal, these are just some of things I think about now.

Well, I think my very first posting went ok. I hope nothing I said offends anyone.

Nathan's Mama

Halloween

Next to fireworks, I think Nathan thought Halloween was more fun than any other thing. He used to love to go to the party, turned Halloween stores every year and add something silly, scary or mysterious to his big Halloween display. He had big figurines and pretend smoke and all sorts of scary noises to spook the little ones. It was really most elaborate. But best of all I think he liked his big rubber head mask of Freddy Kruger or Michael Myers or some one of those characters. He could really get the kids going with that one.

A couple years ago when I went to visit Lisa and family, it happened to be in the early Fall of the year and they made one of their many trips to the copious Halloween stores in their area. I had never been in one, I didn't even know such a thing existed, so I joined them and it was really quite amazing.

This year, I decided to visit one of the stores up this way in memory of my buddy. There were all kinds of things he would have liked. Things that made noise and others that blew smoke. I spent a bit of time looking through all the offerings and after deciding there just wasn't anything I couldn't do without I walked around the perimeter of the store and out along the front windows. Stocked there were helium kits for blowing up balloons. Some of you know why that's significant, but out of respect for my daughter I don't care to go into it any deeper.

Initially I froze and then I was sickened and left the store immediately. Will these things always affect me this way? My stomach is still a little queasy today, and I miss him more than ever. I love you Nathan Daniel Conner. I just wish I could have fixed your hurts.

Challenge

My memory has gotten really bad since Nathan's leaving us and I have blamed it on stress, and I'm sure that is part of it. But I was re-reading the shopping post and the word challenged jumped out at me. I'm not challenged now, Nathan's not around to keep me alert and on my toes.

Nathan used to call me about computer "stuff" he had just learned. He told me he called me to talk because I was the only one who understood what he was talking about. At the time, he knew so much more than I ever aspired to, but I said a lot of , "uh huh, well no, I don't understand exactly, but I understand the principle". He challenged me!

Nathan I miss you so much, and this is one of those days that is just nearly unbearable to me. I love you buddy.

Nathan remembered

A sweet friend and co-worker of Lisas and dear friend to Nathan wrote this very beautiful poem.

NATHAN

I thought I felt a raindrop, land upon my cheek,

And then I heard the wind blow, rustling through the trees.

I stopped and listened closer, something wasn't right,

I realized it wasn't wind, or rain upon my face.

I felt your presence close to me, your kiss upon my cheek,

And then I heard you whisper, "I just stopped to say hello,

To tell you that I miss you and I love you so.

Although you cannot see me, I am never far away,

My love is always with you, remember that each day."

by Barb Luttrell ©2008

Barb, Thank you so much for reminding us that Nathan is as close as a memory; and thank you for loving Lisa. Also, thank you for allowing us to publish this very beautiful poem. We miss him so much.

On the Journey To Becoming Fully Human

From time to time I read something that totally brings this grief thing back into perspective and that was so today. I would like to share it with you now.
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"I still remember holding the eighteen week old twins in the palm of my hands. As I peered down at their tiny bodies I was in awe of their finger nails, the eye lids and little toes that were all so perfectly formed. With reverence I witnessed the grief stricken young parents mourning their children they would never be able to nurture. Nor can I quite forget my experience in the Emergency Department with the seventeen year-old boy who was found in cardiac arrest in his bed at 7:00 a.m. by his parents shortly before they were to leave for work one morning. The doctors came into our small consultation room to tell us that they were able to bring him back one more time, but not sure how many more times they could do so. He was to have his senior pictures taken later that morning. At another time there was the elderly gentleman who had been raking leaves the day before, then went out into the yard the next morning to see his work, went back into the house to lay down, never to wake again. A bit later his wife called one of his sons and said,"Son, your daddy is dead, his is done dead."

"I have learned that to become fully human is to live with the awareness that we will not live in our human bodies forever. To become fully human is to celebrate the joys of birth and the sorrows of death. To be fully human is to walk on this earth realizing that the greater gift that we do not yet fully comprehend is yet to be known. It is to realize that our humanity is connected to the dust of this earth, where our bodies will one day return. The brokenness, the sorrows and imperfections of this life will one day passaway when we will enter that place where we will behold God face to face." by Randall W. Trego
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The day will come when I meet God and Nathan face to face. Until then...

http://www.my.homewithgod.com/heavenlymidis2/untilthen.html