Rambling

I fear this may be a lot of rambling. I am terribly unsettled today for a lot of reasons, and when I'm unsettled about other things, I miss Nathan more. I wonder if that is normal.

I bought a GPS about 3 weeks ago, used it once and it quit working. I instantly thought of Nathan. The GPS is after all electronic. I took it back and exchanged it for another.

I worry about Lisa. I try not to Lisa, but you are my child. I don't know why I worry, because there is no aspect of the things I worry about that I can change. I feel rebellious and angry. Just why did Nathan have to die? I can't hardly bear the agony you suffer. I love you so much, and I miss him.

I was critically ill approxiamately 8 years ago. At the time I was admittecd to the hospital I was having no pain at all, just sorta lapsing in and out of consciousness. I could have slipped into unconsciousness and then death and never have known a thing about it, never suffered. And by now the worst of everyone else's suffering would be over too. I know this "trading" one life for another isn't how things are done. I'm not even sure that my eternal home at that time would have been heaven, so maybe that's why my life was spared. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just know it hurts a lot.

I think I should be over hurting, but it has been only seven months. The intense seemingly unbearable grief is still natural at this time. You can't hurry grieving, I've read. But it's a tiresome and wearying journey.